I am very pleased to post this essay by my friend Lucia Orth, author of the 2008 Pulitzer Prize-nominated Baby Jesus Pawn Shop:

I came across some old notes in the past few weeks from an interview and the follow-up research I did while working on the early stages of my first novel, Baby Jesus Pawn Shop, set in the Philippines during the Marcos regime.

I had the title of the novel and the main character, Doming, but I didn’t yet have a feel for the other main character, Rue Caldwell. Her name, to her, does not mean “to rue” as in to feel sorrow, but rather—as noted in the novel—the plant “rue,” also known as the “herb of grace.” (Thank you, Oxford English Dictionary, always a source of evocative connections.)

In thinking about my years in Manila, I remembered an entomologist I’d met there. Insects! But, of course. As a child I loved insects and had no fear of them. In Manila I’d shown my own toddlers the rhinoceros beetle and the giant atlas moth, both found on our lanai.

Rue’s occupation would be biologist/botanist, now specializing in rice pests (rice being the basic food of the Philippines). Through common friends, I tracked the entomologist I’d met in Manila down to Washington, D.C., and out of the blue I called him. Why? I just wanted to talk to someone who’d lived in the Philippines, traveled the country—someone who knew its biology and botany.

“Yes, there’s a lot a biologist might do there. The most important issue right now is a moth, the yellow stem borer, completely undistinguished, that’s the leading cause of blight. It drills into the hollow stem at the egg-laying stage. There’s no damage shown on the outside, but also no yield, as it severs the growing part.”

“Hmm,” I think, “stem borer, interesting word…cuts off the growth.”

“So instead of green on the inside, when we cut the stems open we see brown.”

Beat. Wow, I’m thinking.

“This damage is called deadheart,” he says.

He didn’t understand my audible gasp of realization. I had just glimpsed not only Rue’s occupation, but also a sense of who she was, where she came from, and the rest of what the novel might be. I began to understand how she would perceive things, how she would rely on logic, what she would notice, and how, although she could look through her microscope and see the “enemy,” she could not examine her own heart, nor would she look closely at the heart of the country—the Philippines.

Her work would become both her anchor and her way of seeing the world.

There have been other times in writing when I’ve found a word—especially from science or nature—that provided a new insight: the transgressive sea (a term from geology) and scotobiology, the biology of darkness. I’ve used both these words in essays. But the word deadheart, and all that it came to mean, stands out as the discovery (other than the title) that gave me the novel Baby Jesus Pawn Shop.

No reading is useless to the writer—it’s all discovery: science magazines, the dictionary, the newspaper. As Robert Olen Butler said in a workshop I took with him years ago, quoting Henry James, “A writer is one on whom nothing is wasted.”

From the New World Encyclopedia:

Entomology is the scientific study of insects. Insects are arthropods (phylum Arthropoda) belonging to the Class Insecta. With around 925,000 described species, insects comprise the most numerous and diverse group of animals, representing more than half (about 57 percent) of all identified animal species, and date back about 400 million years. It is a specialty within the field of biology.

Lucia Orth worked for a non-profit organization in Manila for five years and now teaches law in the Indigenous and American Indian Studies Department at Haskell Indian Nations University in Lawrence, Kansas. She is on leave for the spring semester of 2009, working in Trento, Italy, and will present a writing workshop on “Placing Your Story” at the Writers Garret in Dallas, Texas, on June 20, 2009.

“Departure,” an excerpt from her novel-in-progress, was published in the Asia Literary Review, (Winter 2008, Hong Kong). She is also a contributor to the new anthology Because I Love Her: 34 Women Writers Reflect on the Mother-Daughter Bond, Andrea N. Richesin, editor (April 2009). Lucia can be reached through her website.

The Long Farewell, My Lovely
Philip Marlowe gets hopelessly confused and rescues a psychotic young woman with a happy triggerfinger from the law, while Moose Malone deals rough justice all over Los Angeles before taking off for Mexico.
Nick

Now We Are Six Degrees of Separation
Christopher Robin grows up to realize that, far from being a chummy little Hundred-Acre Wood, the world is really an global village with some pretty serious alienation problems.
Matthew Blue

West Side Toy Story
Buzz Lightyear and Woody, members of rival gangs on the mean streets of 1960s New York City, are forbidden to consummate their love.
Bumbleboo

Looking Out for Mr. #1 Goodbar
A dedicated schoolteacher spends her nights cruising bars, looking for abusive men and expressing her newfound assertiveness toward them.
Agatha Monteleon

Dr. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Speckled Band
The Fab Four must reinvent themselves as oddly overdressed detectives to solve the mystery of the impossible snakebite while marketing a brand-name soda.
Bumbleboo

Half-Magic Schoolbus
An educational school trip goes horribly awry when the Magic Schoolbus begins granting only half of Ms. Frizzle’s demands and the children wind up stranded without escape in the Mezozoic Era inside a dinosaur’s intestines trying frantically to bake a cake while an internal hurricane descends.
Michael Barter

Don Juan S.S. Valdez Quixote
A slightly mad coffee merchant spends 800 pages attacking windmills and making love to women all over Spain. Then he spills thousands of gallons of oil in an Alaskan sound. The end.
Elwood P. Gray

Brokeback to the Future
Doc and Marty experience a love they never knew was possible. In the sequel, they do it in the Old West, but no one watches it.
Elwood P. Gray

Little Baby Jesus Pawn Shop of Horrors
Ferdinand Marcos has himself inaugurated as President and brutally oppresses the Filippino people until a giant philodendron eats him and Imelda, leaving nothing but Imelda’s shoes.
Victoria

Special Mention Sitcom Mash-Up:
Mad About Tooth
Paul and Jamie move to the Ozarks and become hicks.
Bumbleboo

Long Day’s Journey to the Center of the Earth
Jules Verne’s science fiction classic of a squabbling family fighting off prehistoric sea serpents and each other.
Jack Shakely

Sea is for Cortez
Kinsey Millhone follows Doc Rickets to Mexico, where she rescues him from the love and affection of a younger woman.
Matthew Blue

Les Miserables Babes on Broadway
A noir Busby Berkeley production about the down-&-out victims of New York society.
Bumbleboo

Slaughterhouse Dave Clark Five
Five singers are trapped in an underground shelter in Dresden. It turns out they’re thirty years too late for it to be in the slightest bit dramatic.
Agatha Monteleon

Godel, Escher, Bach to the Future
Doc Brown and Marty discover the parallels among history’s great thinkers in a De Lorean.
Elwood P. Gray

Gilligan’s Island of the Blue Dolphins
A crew of madcap castaways washes up on a desert island, where all but the girl are eaten by wild dogs.
Sheldon

The Lady in Lake Wobegon
Philip Marlowe is trapped indefinitely in a small Midwestern town, where he succumbs to random killings to alleviate the stupifying boredom.
Nick

Moby Dick Tracy
A giant white whale solves crimes in the inner city.
Elwood P. Gray

Our Thin Man in Havana
Long after the government has stopped paying him, Greene’s hero continues copying out the details of the insides of vacuum cleaners and mailing them to Washington. Eventually, his savings run out and he must beg for change on the streets. However, nothing stops the wily fake spy.
Bumbleboo

The Sisterhood of Travels With my Pants
Graham Greene accidentally winds up in South America with a giddy gang of girls who can’t talk about anything but their personal lives.
Agatha Monteleon

This week, I had the great pleasure of interviewing Wendy Burt-Thomas, author of the Writer’s Digest Guide to Query Letters, which just hit stores in January:

Wendy, thank you so much for joining us! Query letters are always a serious concern for both aspiring and publishing writers. I know the Writer’s Digest Guide to Query Letters covers all three types of query letters: article query letters to periodical editors, nonfiction query letters to agents, and fiction query letters to agents. I’d like to focus in this interview specifically on those questions I get most often from clients about writing fiction query letters to agents.

You’ve pointed out that a query letter is a first impression and that I, the author of the query, only get one shot at it with this particular agent. So I should be able to extrapolate that the hook, like the lede of a news article, is possibly the single most important part of my query. If it’s bad, I’m finished before I’ve even started. If it’s good, bingo! I’ve got a foot in the golden door of an agent’s attention.

Agent Noah Lukeman says the hook should be about the agent—in fact, he says if I have a recommendation from another client, my hook should be about that recommendation. He even provides the sentence. Agent Nathan Bransford, on the other hand, analyzes on his blog an excellent query with a hook about the book.

What should that all-important opening sentence really be about: the agent, the recommendation, or the book? Or something else, such as the author?

I’m going to agree with Nathan, and not because I just met him at the Pikes Peak Writers Conference. The guy knows his stuff! Nathan is an experienced agent and has no doubt read thousands of queries.

Unless you’re already a big deal, the only time anything should be about you is in your credentials paragraph (or page, if we’re talking about a full proposal). My advice is to always open with a great hook about your book. It’s important to remember that some agents and editors don’t read past the first paragraph or two. Wait until later in the query to explain why you chose them.

If, however, you have a referral from another agent (most agents know that other agents don’t refer writers unless the manuscript is worth a look), you definitely want to mention it somewhere. One neat trick: use the subject line of your email (or even your letter) to mention the referral. For example: “re: referral from Sue Smith of ABC Agency”. This way you can still open with your hook (and maybe get them to pay attention even more!)

I did receive examples for my Guide to Query Letters of both (queries that opened with hooks and queries that opened with referrals) that lead to book deals. I think the key is that no matter which route you choose, don’t drag out the opening of the query. If you open with a recommendation or a “Why I chose you,” keep it short and sweet. No agent wants to wait until the sixth paragraph to learn what your book is about!

Erica Jong says in Fear of Flying, “I was taught never to open a paragraph in a business letter with ‘I’. But what else could it start with?” Poor ole Isadora never does figure out. Do I need to?

It’s not so much the word (letter) itself as how you use it. I think the point is not to come across too stoic unless, of course, you’re writing a book about formal business letters. Your opening paragraph or two should match the voice/tone/style of your book. Besides, you want to stand out in the slush pile!

Ask yourself this: Which would you rather read if you were a busy, bored agent/editor?

Option #1: “I am writing to you because I have written a book about a Japanese internment in Seattle. . .”

OR

Option #2: “I must admit I hate Asian stereotypes. You know the ones. Good at math. Hardworking. We all look alike. Come to think of it, the last one might hold water. After all, my father once wore a button that read ‘I am Chinese’ while growing up in Seattle’s Chinatown during WWII.”

I’d much rather read Option #2. Apparently, so did Kristin Nelson of the Nelson Agency. Hotel on the Corner of Bitter and Sweet (for which the query in Option #2 was written) by Jamie Ford sold to Ballantine.

Ford managed to capture his writing voice/tone/style in his query letter. He was still professional (the rest of the query included the vital info), but also interesting.

Is it possible to re-query the same agent with a different project? How long should I wait? Should I mention the previous query? Hope they don’t remember?

You can absolutely re-query the same agent—the key phrase being “a different project.” Don’t rewrite the same piece and send it back—unless they ask you to. But yes, by all means do send book number two when it’s complete.

I would mention the previous query only if the agent had anything good to say about it. A note like, “I like your writing style, but just didn’t feel like I could represent this with passion,” might indicate that the agent would bite on another project.

So now we’re at the whole point of my query, from my perspective, which is: “I’ve written a fabulous book! Please take it!” Some agents ask for a single paragraph about the book, and some even stipulate three sentences. How universal is that dictum? And can those three vital sentences (or more) be standardized as to what each should be about, for maximum efficiency?

Every agent is different, but the majority will ask for no more than a one-page query or a query and synopsis to start. I do see a lot of agents asking for the first thirty pages if they’ve heard your pitch in person (like at a writers’ conference), but I think for the most part they just don’t have time to read more than a page or two unless they already know they like your basic idea.

As for standardizing your first few sentences, I do think most queries can be the same. The only paragraph that would change in your query template would be why you chose that particular agent/publisher.

Given that this all has to fit onto one page and I do have other things besides my book to mention before the end of my query, what should the (frighteningly) brief description of my 200+ page opus focus on: plot? characters? voice? abstract description i.e. “charming, brooding, quirky, multi-faceted, riveting”? Something else, or a combination?

The query hook should match your book’s focus. If the book is plot-driven (thriller/mystery, for example), the query should be, too. If it’s character-driven, you still need to mention some form of plot, but you could put a tad bit more about the character in the query. This does not mean you write a character sketch or get into motivations and inner conflicts. The idea is to reflect your book’s overall focus in your query.

Two examples:

#1: In a mystery, you might just say that Jane Smith is a cop on the trail of a serial murderer—who recently killed Jane’s cousin. This shows motivation (justice/revenge) without saying it.

#2: In a character-driven book of literary fiction, you might need to mention a bit more about the protagonist: “Fifteen-year-old Susan is always dreaming up new ways to kill herself.” (Notice that in example #1, I never mentioned Jane’s age in the hook for the mystery. It’s not really relevant.)

Save the details for your synopsis. The query is only about enticing an agent/editor to request more.

What about comparisons to other books—some agents say they help, some say they hurt. They occasionally sound downright insane to anyone but the author. What’s the consensus? How about marketing myself a little along those lines, as in, “A bonafide page-turner. You won’t be able to put it down!”?

Ugh! Any good writer should be able to show an agent/editor that they’ve got a bonafide page-turner—not tell them. Let the writing speak for itself—even if it’s just a few paragraphs in the query for now.

As for comparing yourself to other books, I advise writers to stay away from comparing yourself to other authors and books. What I do think is fine is discussing the readership for a certain book’s genre. Citing, for example, that the Twilight and Harry Potter series have vamped up the teen readership’s interest in all things paranormal/magical. You’re not comparing yourself to those authors or your book to those books, but you’re showing that there’s a readership for them. I’d probably suggest using this more in your proposal than your query, though. It’s even better if you can find some actual stats about the readership.

You mention in the Writer’s Digest Guide to Query Letters “The Credentials Question.” There’s quite a lot being bandied around out there regarding the loss these days of the opportunity for me, the writer, to build my reputation, due to publishers’ expectations of debut mega-hits, which brings up the question of poor sales records. Given that, what should go into and—maybe more importantly—what should be left out of my author bio?

Published books in other genres (or on the wrong side of the fiction/nonfiction fence)?

Mention other books you’ve written for traditional publishers. If your previous books were in other genres, that’s okay. Better to show that you can write a book than not mention it.

Published books that didn’t do well? Published books long ago?

Don’t worry about sales numbers. A good agent/publisher will probably guess that the sales numbers aren’t about your writing skills or your ability to follow through—and those are two of the things you’re selling in your query letter. You’re not selling your previous book. If your other book(s) did well, even better. Mention the numbers. But many books don’t even sell out of their first print run so it’s not a deal-breaker if you weren’t on the NY Times Best Seller List.

Minor publishing credits or awards?

Definitely mention any writing awards, and publishing credits if they’re well-known publications or smaller but relevant to your book (e.g. If you sold three dog-grooming articles to small pet magazines and the book your pitching is about dog grooming, mention it!).

Attendance at writers’ conferences?

I wouldn’t necessarily mention that you’ve been to writers’ conferences or taken workshops unless you won some awards or were on the faculty.

My day-job or professional experience? (Only writing-related? Only if it helps authenticity? Only genre-related? Only the publishing credits discussed above?) My blog? My community service?

Professional and volunteer experience can go a long way, especially if you don’t have any/many published clips. Some examples:

• You’re a cop writing a crime novel
• You lived with the Amish to make your novel about the Amish more realistic
• You teach English, creative writing, journalism, etc.
• You have an MFA or other degree in a writing-related field
• You run an annual writers’ conference or author series
• You’re a single mother of 10 kids writing about a single mother of 10 kids
• You’re a marriage therapist writing a relationship (or romance!) book
• You’re a computer programmer writing a technology/spy thriller
• You volunteer at a teen shelter and are writing a book about a 13-year-old runaway

Are there any other potential items we haven’t discussed that act as red warning flags to an agent and should be avoided at all costs (like a nice, long list of other agents who already hate me)?

Some things that will be red flags:

• Mentioning that you’ve burned through agents
• Mentioning that you’ve self-published all your books
• Threatening to take your manuscript elsewhere
• Asking to meet with the agent
• Talking about movie or TV rights
• Explaining that you’ve already pitched to publishers on your own (unsuccessfully!)

One exception to the above: if you’ve self-published books and can explain that you did so because you had a major platform (and therefore sold many copies). My father is a good example of this. He sold several books to traditional publishers and then decided he’d rather get eight dollars a book than one dollar book, so he started self-publishing and sold books across New England for several years. Now he’s considering a “buy out” with a traditional publisher. FYI, these aren’t vanity press books of poetry. He was the first person in history to win the Bram Stoker Award for a self-published book!

I’ve always found business letters to be one of the easier forms of writing because they consist so largely of standardized sentences. Businesspeople are busy. They get the most out of a letter if they can scan it, register stock phrases or the lack of them, and move on. Given this, can you briefly tell me how and where to cite:

• recommendations from the agent’s client
• recommendations from other writers (not the agent’s clients)
• my reason(s) for choosing this agent
• “this is a multiple/exclusive submission”
• word count
• my other works that the agent might be interested in?

Again, my preference is to open with a hook about the book, but I’ll admit that I have several great query letters in my book that opened with a referral or a “why I chose you” sentence. (These are real queries that landed real book deals.) As a general rule, the most mundane stuff (“this is a simultaneous submission”) goes near the end. Word count, however, is easily slipped in after the first or second reference to the title. (For example: “ALL HAPPY FAMILIES, complete at 83,000 words. . .”)

As for other works the agent might be interested in, put them in the last paragraph.

Something like this:

1) opening hook (two paragraphs)
2) supporting info about the book (one paragraph)—word count, research
3) author info (one paragraph)
4) why you chose agent/recommendations/other works (one paragraph)
5) request to send manuscript/exclusive submission/thank you (one paragraph)

In citing a recommendation from another writer, should I include a full quote or just say, “I have it if you want it”?

I don’t think you have to include the quote. Something like, “Your client Deb Johnson read my manuscript and suggested I contact you,” should be sufficient. If they don’t believe you, they’ll contact the other writer.

Here’s a quickie: Do most agents expect to see book titles in all caps or italics?

My editor at Writer’s Digest listed all the book titles (in sample queries) in caps, but not italics. This is also how many of the query letters were formatted when they were originally submitted to agents.

How seriously should we take the stricture to use only Courier 12 pt. or Times New Roman 12 pt. in manuscripts, etc.?

I tell writers to stick to Times New Roman 12 pt. because it’s standard. Courier is fine too. The point is to use a font and size that agents/editors are used to reading so they’re not distracted from your writing. Fancy fonts are definitely out, and so is enlarged (or tiny!) print. Don’t make an agent strain to read your query. It should be about the letter—not the letters!

We know the one-page limit is carved in stone (unless I’m Molly Friedrich writing a fan letter to a potential client). But within that limit, is brevity really always best? When might it not be?

I advise writers that one page is best, but that queries for longer manuscripts (such as historical romance novels) can sometimes run to a second page.

Some other exceptions to this rule might apply if you have an exceptional platform that is worthy of more than one paragraph (by all means, if you have a way to sell 10,000 books immediately, say so!) or if your book is more complicated, such as a legal book on the changes in healthcare reform.

What is the general opinion regarding whether or not I should send a synopsis and/or first five/ten/twenty pages with my query letter?

Always follow the guidelines for that particular agency or publishing house. If you can’t find them in the Writer’s Market, check the web. Most agents and publishers list their submission guidelines on their websites. They have guidelines for a reason!

Is there any one single thing that you think writers absolutely ought to know about query letters that we haven’t touched on here, any really huge Mark of the Rank Amateur to steer clear of, maybe something from your section on “Common Novel Query Mistakes” in the spirit of the late Leo Buscaglia, who said, “The one to listen to is the one who will say, ‘Honey, you’ve got dirt on your nose”?

The buzzword in publishing right now is “platform.” My friend Christina Katz (who actually got me this latest book deal!) just wrote a book called Get Known Before the Book Deal (Dec. 2008, Writer’s Digest Books). This isn’t just a plug for her book—it’s a direct message to writers: you will have to market your book! Long gone are the days where you could just write a book, speak at a couple local bookstores, and then start on book number two. If you can’t market yourself—and indicate so in your proposal—don’t bother trying to submit to traditional publishers.

The good news is that marketing your book is cheaper and easier than ever. With blog tours (a.k.a. “virtual book tours”), Internet radio shows, do-it-yourself websites, and free blogging, you can develop a following in your pajamas—for almost nothing.

(I am wearing my pajamas as I type this. Seriously.)

Do not assume that your work is done when you type “the end.” You need to sell your book to an agent (or publisher) and then to readers!

Wendy, thank you so much for your time. This has been absolutely a golden opportunity, and I really appreciate you sharing your knowledge of the industry with all of us out here in authorland. Before we close, is anything is you want to mention—anything, especially, to send us quick-stepping out right now to get our copies of the Writer’s Digest Guide to Query Letters?

It’s very difficult to find query letters on the Internet that actually resulted in book deals. This book has several examples of good (and bad!) query letters for multiple genres. There’s also a great sample synopsis and a book proposal.

What better way to learn than to read real queries that landed real book deals?

Wendy will be checking in all day today and throughout next week to answer questions. Please feel free to either leave a question for her in a comment or email it to me!

Wendy Burt-Thomas is a full-time freelance writer, editor, and copywriter with more than 1,000 published pieces. The Writer’s Digest Guide to Query Letters is her third book. To learn more about Wendy and her books, visit http://www.GuideToQueryLetters.com and http://AskWendy.wordpress.com.

Brave New Hamlet
Should the Prince of Denmark do something about his annoying stepfather, or will Soma help?
Stacy Korn-Luebke

The Catch-22 in the Rye
Yossarian’s bomber strays off course and wipes out the post-war Irish whiskey crop.
Gary Presley

How Green Was My Giant
An epic saga of a big jolly kid in a Texas coal mine.
Jack Shakely

Rumpole’s Last Burnt Out Case
Suffering from spiritual exhaustion, Horace Rumpole leaves his London law practice to travel up the Congo, where he ends up working in a leprosarium run by Catholic priests.  However, when one of the Fathers is accused of murder, Rumpole must call on his rusty courtroom skills to defend him.
Mithras Somasundrum

Portnoy’s Complaint About the Naked and the Dead
Philip Roth’s daring expose of Mailer’s plagiarism of Henry Miller and Faulkner.
Gary Presley

The Sea Wolf Wears Prada
Can Humphrey van Weyden learn the secrets to pleasing his boss and find his own fashion sense?
Stacy Korn-Luebke

The Notebook from the Underground
Erstwhile teen lovers go into hiding for two days to pen a raging diatribe against the social-climbing Old South that broke them up. Nobody cares.
Sue Z. Smith

Moby Dick and Jane
An albino Balaenoptera musculus kidnaps a young school girl and attempts to extort a cessation of whale-hunting in international waters.
Gary Presley

The Devil and David Copperfield
A young man searches for a sense of family and a way to save his soul in Victorian England.
Stacy Korn Luebke

Dark Passages
Humphrey Bogart discovers his inner self and immediately disguises it with plastic surgery.
Sheldon

The Maltese Windup Bird Chronicle
When his cat goes missing, Sam suspects the Falcon. But before initiating pursuit, he stops by his neighbor’s house to have psychic sex. Cold comfort indeed!
Sue Z. Smith

Pride and Premeditation in Cold Blood
It is a truth universally acknowledged that a man who pays in cash, must be in possession of a safe.
Stacy Korn-Luebke

Travels With My Plant
The life of staid bank manager Henry Pulling changes forever on being visited by his eccentric aunt Augusta.  Who is a triffid.
Mithran Somasundrum

One Flew Over the Atlas Shrugged
Randle P. McMurphy reads Rand to his detriment.
Gary Presley

Lust for Life of Pi
A Pondicherry zookeeper cuts off his ear and takes up painting tigers on velvet.
Jack Shakely

Generation X-Files
A bunch of depressed teenagers get motivated to find out why the government is hiding information about extraterrestrials. Or whatever.
Agatha Monteleon

Little, Big House on the Prairie
Laura and Mary are at first perplexed and then intrigued by proof of fairies in their garden. . .until the fairies turn freaky, kidnap them, and force them to live in an abandoned apartment building in New York City.
Matthew Blue

Interview with the Vampire Slayer
Buffy’s day just got brighter.
Bumbleboo

Pride and Extreme Prejudice
Elizabeth Bennett becomes an assassin and kicks ass on that Heathcliff guy.
Sheldon

On the Road Less Traveled
Jack Kerouac and Neal Cassidy take the wrong turn and get lost in the woods. When they run out of bennies, they eat whatever strange-looking mushrooms they can find and sit up all night babbling unintelligibly to each other, later remembering those random babblings as incredible speeches of mind-altering profundity.
Nick

I can’t stop thinking up those litticisms.
–Jeff Osier-Mixon

Due to the staggering quality and variety of the submissions received for the Literary Mash-Up Extravaganza, we co-hosts have thrown caution (and judging) to the winds and will post all of the submissions, ten at a time in no particular order, daily until we run out of either submissions or stamina.

Our heartfelt thanks to everyone participating! This has been an absolutely hilarious week.

To Kill A Jonathon Livingston Seagull
Scout runs amok at Esalon.
Jack Shakely

Finnegan’s 451
Reader’s Digest condenses James Joyce’s seminal work.
Gary Presley

A Confederacy Of Jane Eyres
A local genius is thwarted by well-meaning governesses who won’t leave his attic alone.
Stacy Korn-Luebke

A Long Day’s Journey into a Hard Day’s Night
A dysfunctional family becomes a famous pop group.
Michael Wright

The Unbearable Lightness of Being The Idiot
Cheating on his wife, his Czech mistress, and the fianceé of a good friend causes a gullible Russian prince to drive his car into a tree. Hence, the nickname.
Sue Z. Smith

The Old Mice and Men and the Sea
Santiago, Lenny and George, determined to raise a stake so they can “Live on the fatta the lan,’” head out in the skiff to la mar in search of the great marlin. Even though they’re a crew of misfit bindle stiffs, they wage an epic battle—men against fish—and win. Tragically, Lenny pets the marlin too hard and it dies. George, in an act of mercy, cracks Lenny over the head with an oar and puts the poor bastard out of his misery. George and Santiago agree that Santiago will tend the rabbits instead.
Heather Ophir

The Mists of Frankie Avalon
Don’t stand downwind of him after the cocktail party.
Sheldon

The King James and the Giant Peach Bible
The new testament just got juicier.
Bumbleboo

The Da Vinci Code of the Samurai
A math savant discovers that the lineage of Jesus actually leads to the the rise of Japanese feudal lords in the Middle Ages. The film version is a buddy movie starring Tom Hanks and Ken Watanabe, with Jackie Chan portraying the entire Chinese army from the Yuan Dynasty.
Elwood P. Gray

The Old Man and the C Programming Language
Brian Kernighan and Dennis Ritchie struggle with a giant fish.
Jeff Osier-Mixon

“Lady, if you can get the dog to do that, I’ll buy the pogo stick!”
–Paul R. Dubois II, lead singer and songwriter, The Trees of Mystery

What makes funny funny? Why do we laugh at the things we do?

Paul Dubois, San Francisco singer, songwriter, and fiction author, is one of the funniest people I’ve ever known. I’ve been privy to literally hundreds of his howlers over the years. But I don’t think he’s ever encapsulated the elements of humor quite as succinctly as he did in this 1989 answering machine message, in which he tackled the most basic element of all humor: the unexpected and—sometimes—completely inexplicable.

I don’t claim to be an expert on humor writing. Like the quintessential art-lover, I just know what cracks me up. But below are three brief essays by the authors of some of the first literary mash-ups we received for the Literary Mash-Up Extravaganza, throwing a little light for all of us on the craft of writing comedy—the simple art of making people laugh.

And stay tuned: tomorrow we’ll start posting entries for the Literary Mash-Up Extravaganza. Due to an amazing response, we’ll be posting 10 or 12 a day until we run out. So keep sending!

Thinking Funny
by Jack Shakely

Analyzing how to write funny is usually about as productive as reading a book on how to ride a bicycle. Listening to someone explaining what’s funny can be like listening to your college professor explaining the elements of hip-hop. We can learn about the set-up, the turn and the punch, but the best way we learn to write funny stuff is to write tons of not-so-funny stuff, stuff that we thought was hilarious when it came off the keyboard.

Trying to be funny on the written page already puts one strike against us. We lose the wink, the Jack Benny pause, the Groucho leer. Ellen DeGeneres has developed such a delightful persona, she can make me laugh just brushing her teeth. Read her stuff cold, however, and you may find yourself wondering what must have been in that drink when you were watching.

But what written humor gives up in pie-in-the-face sight gags, it can make up in surprise, absurdity and misdirection. The mash-up book and movie titles that Victoria is asking you to try your hand at is a good exercise in all three. My recent ante into that humor pot was “To Kill a Jonathon Livingston Seagull—Scout runs amok at Eselon.” That adorable little Finch girl a murderer? Absurd.

The master of the absurd misdirection was, in my opinion, Henny Youngman. Having developed the persona of the barely-funny Borsch Belt seltzer-down-your-pants funny man, he’d take your own anticipation of his too-predictable punch line and misdirect you. “I was so ugly when I was born,” Youngman said, “when the doctor saw me, he slapped my mother.” Great misdirection, and a perfect sense of that other thing, um, what is it? Oh, yeah, timing.

Have fun with the mash-ups. One of the best parts about writing humor is that it may be the only time when you can laugh uproariously at your own stuff without having someone think you’re nuts or slapping your mother.

Words on Funny
by Gary Presley

Funny is a tough gig. Even clowns get a bad rap. I have a friend who goes bonkers at the sight of Bozo.

Writing funny is even tougher. It’s a calculated enterprise and requires, I think, the ability to write about the world on a fun-house mirror, scribbling mightily with pens dipped in surrealism and cynicism, hyperbole and devilment.

Some are masters. Dorothy Parker, who turned words into stilettos. Ring Lardner, the man who wrote the funniest sentence ever: “Shut up,” he explained.

Others are wizards. Robin Williams on a flight of verbal fancy. Dennis Miller, referencing and sub-referencing quixotically amongst windmills of irony.

When the mash-up contest began, I knew my left-handed but normally useless ability to see off-kilter concepts might provide both a moment’s entertainment and one more of the Look at Me opportunities writers crave.

Both are essential ingredients in most comedic endeavors.

Here is one of my first, a fender-bender between Finnegan’s Wake and Fahrenheit 451:

Finnegan’s 451
Reader’s Digest condenses James Joyce’s seminal work.

Seeing the two titles together immediately brought to mind Joyce’s legendary verbosity and the intelligensia’s nose-up attitude toward the popular magazine’s mcdonaldization of the written world.

The next collision hit me as I bumped into a reference to a book written by Ayn Rand, one of the philosophers whose work eventually gave birth to The Monster Who Ate Your 401k:

One Flew Over the Atlas Shrugged
Randle P. McMurphy reads Rand to his detriment.

Why do I think this mash-up funny? Kesey’s hero of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, McMurphy, is lazy rather than crazy, but acting on his laziness (Rand’s “rational self-interest”) earns him a lobotomy.

Too sub-referentially dennismillerian for you? What can I say? Funny to you might not be funny to me. After all, I’m not afraid of clowns, but mimes give me the shivers.

Being Funny in Time
by Elwood P. Gray

Two things, that’s what it takes. Two weird things that shouldn’t have anything to do with each other, but for some reason actually do. An accident of language and logic.

You know, the character I’m best known for, Earl Grey, started out as a joke. My name’s El Gray, and I couldn’t come up with a decent name for the guy when I made him up, so I used my own name as a kind of placeholder until I could think of something better. Then some other character misunderstood and called him Earl (why are mystery detectives always English aristocrats? is it because they’ve got so much free time?), and someone else misspelled his last name. I sure wish I could remember the exact sequence, but my copy is on a high shelf and I’ve got this sciatica. . .anyway, it was something like that. The next thing I knew, I was using Earl Grey, like the tea, as an in-joke to amuse myself (and the other characters, who just wouldn’t let it go). After awhile, I couldn’t go back and fix it; it was a part of his personality. So it turned out the joke was on me.

If you look at a really good classical joke like Groucho Marx’s, “Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend; inside of a dog it’s too dark to read,” you get two different things: a regular old aphorism and a concrete fact about canines. What do they have in common? Nothing but Groucho Marx.

I’m joking; they’re both about dogs. One figurative, the other literal. It’s the unexpected leap from figurative to literal that’s so funny!

I went after these literary mash-ups the same way, first by thinking of two book titles that share a common word and then sticking them together to see what I got. It was almost always funny, just because I didn’t see it coming. It was even funnier if the two books were totally different from each other. And if I could throw in an extra element at the end, after you got done laughing at the first joke. . .You know which one I mean.

We all have limited tenure in this mortal coil, and I hope to spend as much as possible of mine laughing.

So give it a whirl! It kept me out of my wife’s hair for days! Maybe it’ll have the same effect on you.

Jack Shakely is co-host of the Literary Mash-Up Extravaganza and the author of The Confederate War Bonnet.

Gary Presley is the author of Seven Wheelchairs: A Life beyond Polio, the comedic elements of which are viewed from a boob-high perspective of the world.

Elwood P. Gray is the author of the 1960s sci-fi cult classic Earl Grey time-travel series.