All right, folks, we go out with a bang this week with three really beautifully-done entries from Amy Carey, Laura Eno, and Sean O’Mordha. These authors left me with quite little do do, edit-wise. Please give them a round of applause!

And please remember to make your complimentary comments. Give what you hope to get.

I want to thank everyone who participated this month. It was a lot of fun working on your hooks, and I sincerely appreciate the courage it took to put your stuff out there to be edited in public. Writers are such sensitive creatures and, in a perfect world, would be accorded the kind of respect and care it takes to facilitate digging into the deeps like this. Failing that, I hope the encouragement and compliments you get here help inspire you to keep digging.

The world is your oyster, folks. Dive for the pearl.

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Steam rose from the surface of Gina’s latte.

“What’s wrong?” I asked. “Your face. You look—”

“I was jogging. I ran here.” Gina dumped a packet of sugar into her cup.

“Not that. You look a little—spent.”

“I am spent. I’m single-parenting while Todd’s out of town.”

“He’s still out of town? It’s going on, what, two weeks?”

Gina took a sip of her coffee. “He’s not coming back.”

I covered my mouth with my hand and waited for her to say something, but she was silent.

“Where is he now?”

She looked up. “In San Jose. That’s where his brother lives—”

“And his mistress?”

She snorted. “If only it were his mistress.”

“You don’t mean—”

“I mean, he has a mister.”
—Amy Carey

Developmental Edit

This is great—it throws us back and forth between stress, out-of-town husband, lover, and switch in sexual orientation so fast it’s like a tennis match!

Tense? check
Specific? check
Raises a question? check What’s Gina going to do about being abandoned by her husband?
Drop-kicks us off the end? check He’s turned gay?

What does this paragraph tell us about the book we’re starting? A female character named Gina is stressed out because she’s been left with one or more children by a husband who’s turned out to be gay. The first-person protagonist is shocked at the news.

Do I want to follow this character through a whole novel? I don’t know much about Gina except her situation, but her situation is GRIPPING. So, yes, I’m going to turn the page!

Genre? Contemporary fiction, unless something else crops up to place it in a more specific genre.

Do we need to know who the character is, how they got here, where they were before? We know Gina’s married with kids and has a friend to confide in. That’s enough!

Does this paragraph drop us right smack in a specific moment in this character’s story? Point-blank. We get the news as the protagonist gets the news, and we’re just as shocked as they are. Not bad for no backstory.

So let’s talk about the structure of it. This is almost entirely dialog. It’s a technique that’s served writers like Amistead Maupin well—crisp, clean, fast-paced, it leapfrogs right over such concerns as whether or not you’re using too much exposition or description. It also seems well-suited to both the light, witty tone and surprise-packed story. I’d trim maybe a word here or there, but other than that we’re fully engaged by the time we’re sprung off that last word like a spring bug. Excellent work!

Copy & Line Edit

Steam rose from the surface of Gina’s latte.

“What’s wrong?” I asked. “Your face—”

“I jogged here.” Gina dumped a packet of sugar into her cup.

“Not that. You look a little—spent.”

“I am spent. I’m single-parenting while Todd’s out of town.”

“It’s going on, what, two weeks?”

Gina took a sip. “He’s not coming back.”

I covered my mouth and waited, but she was silent.

“Where is he?”

She looked up. “In San Jose. Where his brother lives—”

“And his mistress?”

She snorted. “If only.”

“You don’t mean—”

“He has a mister.”

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Katie had just taken the first bite of cake when the world stopped. Focused on the chocolate icing melting on her tongue, it took a moment to assimilate the absence of sound in the room. She looked up from her plate and stared at the party guests frozen in time. The streamers and balloons, printed with a cheery ‘happy 18th birthday’ message, hung motionless in the still air. The plate slipped from her fingers, spilling the gooey mess onto the light beige carpet.

Gary stood before her, halted in mid-sentence. Katie could see all the way back to his tonsils. Eww…

“Gary?” He didn’t move. She tapped him on the shoulder, lightly at first but then harder when he didn’t respond. He toppled over as she pushed, falling face-first into the cake she’d dropped.
—Laura Eno

Developmental Edit

I love him going face-first into the gooey mess. That’s a great moment of slapstick! Which is hard to do in words.

Tense? check
Specific?check
Raises a question? check What do you mean, the world stopped?
Drop-kicks us off the end? check Face-first into GOO?

What does this paragraph tell us about the book we’re starting? A female character named Katie is at an 18th birthday party when, apparently, time freezes. She is the only person who can move. She accidentally knocks a male character named Gary onto his face when she tries to get his attention.

Do I want to follow this character through a whole novel? I don’t really know Katie, but I like that she’s not hysterical and that her first reaction to the end of the world is to accidentally knock someone on their face in cake.

Genre? Sci fi.

Do we need to know who the character is, how they got here, where they were before? I think we have enough clues. We should find out pretty quick whether this is Katie’s birthday party or someone else’s, which might be important to whatever triggered this.

Does this paragraph drop us right smack in a specific moment in this character’s story? And how! Where were YOU the day the world stopped?

So let’s talk about the structure of it. It’s got a nice voice to it—I don’t usually include words like “uh” or “ew,” but in this case it succinctly captures the character’s response, giving us a clue not only to her lack of hysteria but also her age, in just one word. Nice! I’m just going to streamline this a bit to keep it focused on the point, which is that the world has stopped and Gary is consequently going down in a funny way.

Copy & Line Edit

Katie had just taken the first bite, chocolate icing melted on her tongue, when the world stopped. It took a moment to notice the silence in the room. She stared around. Streamers and balloons, ‘Happy 18th Birthday,’ hung motionless in the still air. Her plate slipped, a gooey mess spilling onto the carpet.

Gary stood in front of her, frozen in mid-sentence. Katie could see all the way to his tonsils. Ew. . .

“Gary?”

He didn’t move.

She tapped him on the shoulder, lightly at first, then harder. He toppled over, face-first, into the cake she’d dropped.

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The uninhabited island lay thirty meters to port, and somewhere beyond the white sand beach an ambush. In the star-filled blackness of night neither were visible to the man standing alone on the bow of the ship, but the sound of the waves rolling across the wide, shallow reef placed the island, and the Captain had warned of Fuentes’ presence. Unfortunately, both were more apparent than the family’s destiny the old woman on Haiti had seen when she threw the bones.
—Sean O’Mordha

Developmental Edit

This is a good, vivid image of a cool-headed man in danger, using description and exposition very nicely to communicate the tension. I love the throwing of the bones!

Tense? check
Specific? check
Raises a question? check What’s he going to do about the ambush?
Drop-kicks us off the end? check WHAT destiny?

What does this paragraph tell us about the book we’re starting? A male character on a ship at night faces an island where an ambush waits for him. He’s not the Captain of the ship. But he’s recently been in Haiti, where a fortuneteller gave him a cryptic reading on the destiny of a family—possibly his own.

Do I want to follow this character through a whole novel? He’s level-headed, in danger, and thinking deep thoughts. I like him!

Genre? Historical fiction, maybe? Adventure. Mystery?

Do we need to know who the character is, how they got here, where they were before? He’s been to Haiti to see the fortuneteller, and now he’s gotten a warning from his Captain. This guy’s stage is set.

Does this paragraph drop us right smack in a specific moment in this character’s story? No question. He’s facing some real decisions here, with Big Mean Consequences.

So let’s talk about the structure of it. This is a terrific example of using description and exposition, rather than action and dialog, to dump this character’s quite serious problems in our laps. This piece has obviously been worked over carefully, extra words removed, the tone sculpted. I’m going to suggest this is one of those situations where you’ve lavished such care on these lines, they’ve begun to lose their flow. It happens to all of us. I’m going to simplify the language slightly to keep the focus on the moment and let the imagery come through as clearly as possible.

Copy & Line Edit

The uninhabited island lay thirty meters to port, and somewhere beyond its white sand beach lay an ambush. Neither was visible, in the star-filled night, to the man alone on the bow of the ship, but the sound of waves rolling across the wide, shallow reef placed the island, and the Captain had warned him about Fuentes.

Unfortunately, both the island and Fuentes were more apparent at this moment than the family destiny the old woman on Haiti had seen, when she threw the bones.

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@Doublelattemama has asked why I’m limiting the hooks to 150 words. Is that really how long a novel’s hook is supposed to be?

Well, the first part of that answer is that that’s as long as I can handle if I’m doing multiple hooks for free every week. I had to put a limit on it or face the possibility that I’d get something from someone like Gabriel Garcia Marquez, who wrote most of his novels as all one paragraph.

But the other part is the part that really matters, and that’s that if you don’t get more than 150 words’ worth of my time, you don’t really get more than that of an agent’s or new reader’s time, either. The standard format for a manuscript is to start halfway down the first page and double-space. Assuming around 250 words/page—which is also standard—that means you have around 125 words to catch an agent’s interest with your first page and inspire them to keep reading onto page two. If they get to the bottom of that first page and are yawning, well. . .they’ve got a whole stack of other writers’ sample pages to get through today. They’re in kind of a hurry.

And new readers are even less loyal!

The shorter the hook, the more powerful the punch. You don’t just want the agent to get to the bottom of your first page awake. (The new reader will give up before that, but agents tend to be pretty courteous.) You want them to get there in an all-fired hurry to keep reading onto page two because this book has got them in its grip.

Take a look at To begin with, Marlowe was dead—. He packed it all into a short three-sentence paragraph. AND he got an allusion to Dickens in there, too! (Which I missed until he pointed it out.)

All you need to do with a hook is grab the reader’s attention, make them curious about your story, and give them an unexpected little flip in the air off the end. If you can do that in one sentence, I say go for it! It helps if they can tell something about the genre right off the bat, but you still have a decent-sized half-page in which to make that clear while you get both their lapels firmly in your fists—before they arrive at that yawning Abyss of Decision called the bottom of the page.

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Sherman hated this town, he hated his life, but most of all, he hated this job. He looked over the counter at the customer and asked, “Would you like fries with that?”

“Ha! That’s priceless!” The woman grinned at him. “They actually made you say that back then—I mean, back now? Well, you know what I mean.” She looked up at the menu board again. “Ooh, wait! Can I change that order? Instead of a Filet-O-Fish can I have a Big Mac? What is a Big Mac anyway?”

Most customers seemed to melt into a blur to Sherman, but this one stood out. She wasn’t young, but she wasn’t real old either. Her looks were pretty average. She was dressed in overalls, but Sherman had seen that before with all the farms around here. Perhaps it was her attitude. She acted like she had never seen a McDonalds before.
—Jeannette Bennett-Farley

Developmental Edit

I love the tension between cranky Sherman and the ebullient woman in overalls!

Tense? check
Mysterious? check
Raises a question? check What does she mean: “back then”?
Drop-kicks us off the end? check How could anyone who speaks English not have seen a MacDonald’s before?

What does this paragraph tell us about the book we’re starting? A male character named Sherman who hates basically everything meets a female character of indeterminate age wearing overalls at his job at McDonald’s. The female character seems quite chipper, especially compared to Sherman.

Do I want to follow this character through a whole novel? I’m not sure about a character who hates everything, but I like the character in overalls who thinks scripted junk food service is pricelessly funny! And the tension between the two is great.

Genre? I’m going to guess time travel sci fi.

Do we need to know who the character is, how they got here, where they were before? Oh, I think I know enough about Sherman. This focuses pretty nicely on the character in overalls who may never have seen a McDonald’s, which I find quite interesting.

Do we need to know what he’s going to do next? Please tell me he’s going to get more information out of Overalls Woman!

Does this paragraph drop us right smack in a specific moment in this character’s story? Without a doubt. We’re at McDonald’s, and we’re offering a side of fries.

So let’s talk about the structure of it. I like the voice: “real old.” That’s good! And I think we’ve got a nice solid character conflict here between Mr. Grumpy and The Priceless Grinner. Don’t put a dialog tag before dialog unless it’s absolutely necessary. There’s also an extraneous “oh” and “well,” we’ve got three “but” constructs in three sentences in a row, and two “before’s.” Those two “befores” are going to be difficult to sort out. But other than that this is pretty clean!

Copy & Line Edit

Sherman hated this town, he hated his life, but most of all, he hated this job. He looked over the counter. “Would you like fries with that?”

“Ha! That’s priceless!” The woman grinned at him. “They actually made you say that, back then—I mean, back now? You know what I mean.” She looked up at the menu board again. “Wait! Can I change that order? Instead of a Filet-O-Fish can I have a Big Mac? What is a Big Mac, anyway?”

Most customers melted into a blur to Sherman, but not this one. She wasn’t young, and she wasn’t real old either. Her looks were pretty average. She was dressed in overalls—Sherman had seen plenty of that, with all the farms around here. Perhaps it was that she acted like she had never seen a McDonalds before.

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I was happy. Life was good. I had a beautiful twenty-two year old daughter, a successful practice, numerous friends, and a nice home. Now I have nothing to speak of, all because of those evil boys.

My daughter is dead though she died months before her death.

My practice is dwindling because I’m rarely there to treat patients.

My friends I’ve alienated.

My home is empty.

I’ll never be happy again. Life is over for me. And, is or will be, over for a few others.

I stand corrected. I do have something to live for—my quest for justice.

This society will not provide justice for my daughter. No. She has no proof. No witness. Nothing but her word. Not enough evidence to arrest, much less convict. I know how the system works, and she did too. Yes. It’s up to me to make things right again.
—Lanetta J. Sprott

Developmental Edit

This sets us up like a rubber ball on a high dive.

Tense? check
Clear? check
Raises a question? check What happened to the daughter?
Drop-kicks us off the end? check The dead daughter has something to say? So cool!

What does this paragraph tell us about the book we’re starting? Some adult old enough to have a twenty-two-year-old daughter has lost almost everything they value over something that happened to kill their daughter. This character knows whom they blame, and they have made the decision to “make things right again,” whatever that means to them. There’s a reference to “evil” boys, which could be either hyperbole or an indicator of the paranormal. There’s also a reference to “this society” not providing “justice,” terms that aren’t defined in this context.

Do I want to follow this character through a whole novel? I don’t know yet. If this character is just self-righteous and prone to hyperbole, probably not. However, if this is a character with their back against the wall fighting paranormal murderers with the aid of a daughter who continues to speak and bear witness after she’s dead, then, yeah, I’m interested!

Genre? Revenge thriller, possibly paranormal.

Do we need to know who the character is, how they got here, where they were before? I wouldn’t mind more specific details. I’d like to know how this character is different from everyone else who ever had beautiful grown kids, a successful practice, friends, and a nice home (whatever that means to them) and lost it all.

Do we need to know what the character’s going to do next? I’d like to meet them, see them in action in a scene. So far, I really don’t have a grasp on their personality at all.

Does this paragraph drop us right smack in a specific moment in this character’s story? No. This is mood-setting.

So let’s talk about the structure of it. It’s a series of emphatic simple statements, building to a longer paragraph that fills out some of the subject matter. That’s nice use of sentence structure to create tension! However, there is some real question about whether or not this is an interesting protagonist, someone with clear judgment, an intriguing conflict to deal with, and real backbone to fulfill that promise about justice. I’m going to assume that it’s an interesting protagonist and the use of the abstractions “evil” and “justice” are there not to be taken at face value as abstractions, but to create a noir effect. Can this be made shorter and snappier, focused on the protagonist’s need, while maintaining reader interest and sympathy?

Copy & Line Edit

I was happy. Life was good. I had a beautiful twenty-two-year-old daughter, a successful practice, friends, a nice home.

Now my daughter is dead—she died months before her death.

My practice is dwindling.

My friends I’ve alienated.

My home is empty.

This society will not make things right. My daughter has no proof, no witness, nothing but her word. Not enough evidence to arrest, much less convict. I know how the system works, and she did, too. But I do have something to live for—

—justice.

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When I saw him shot through the head, it was unexpected, but it was less of a surprise than one might think. I had seen it before. It was always the same. Driven by some reflexive impulse I couldn’t seem to overcome, I looked up and followed the trajectory from which the shot must have originated.

But there was nothing there.

People spilled sideways, parting like the sea to make space for a strange man lying motionless on the pavement. What had been a single crowd of persons moving in a uniform pattern towards their various points of destination split down the middle so that a single tear was visible in their formation. As was generally the case, I was the only one who stopped. I always stopped. Even if I couldn’t look, I stopped.
—Elizabeth Leslie

Developmental Edit

This hook is packed to the gills with questions—good job!

Tense? check
Intriguing? check
Raises a question? check check Who got shot? Why isn’t anything at the source of the bullet’s trajectory?
Drop-kicks us off the end? check check Why doesn’t anyone else stop? (Why is that generally the case in this character’s experience?) And why can’t this character look sometimes?

What does this paragraph tell us about the book we’re starting? A character with a background in analyzing shooting scenes comes across someone shot through the head on a busy sidewalk and is the only one to stop. And there’s no evidence where there should be evidence.

Do I want to follow this character through a whole novel? I’ll follow them to the next page, at least. They’re rather blase about shooting victims and can’t look at certain things, and that’s intriguing enough to keep me going.

Genre? Mystery? Thriller? I’m guessing maybe a paranormal element because it turns out there’s nothing where there ought to be something. It might also be futuristic sci fi, since this character’s from an environment in which it’s normal for pedestrians not to stop for a dead body.

Do we need to know who the character is, how they got here, where they were before? Well, I’m okay with this amount of information for now. But there should be more pretty quick. Particularly, I think we should know why pedestrians in this world don’t normally stop for something like this.

Do we need to know what the character’s going to do next? I’d like to know why they can’t look sometimes. That seems paramount, considering this time they looked at both the bullet wound and the trajectory.

Does this paragraph drop us right smack in a specific moment in this character’s story? Indubitably.

So let’s talk about the structure of it. The first sentence is a bit awkward. And there’s a problem with the use of the word “trajectory,” since a bullet doesn’t originate from its trajectory. I’m a bit confused by the descriptive paragraph, too, because it seems to be from high above the protagonist. Can this be made shorter and snappier, while clarifying the language?

Copy & Line Edit

It was unexpected, but it was less of a surprise than one might think. I had seen it before. It was always the same. Driven by some reflexive impulse I couldn’t seem to control, I looked from the man on the pavement with a bullet in his head to the point at which the shot must have originated.

But there was nothing there.

People spilled sideways, parting around the body. As was generally the case, I was the only one who stopped. I always stopped. Even if I couldn’t look, I stopped.

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Bethany is stalking me outside my cubicle. She’s sauntering back and forth like a slinky tiger. Her shoes, sleek and shiny and sharp-toed, are like silky claws. The pointy heels dig into the bland blue-gray carpet.

As soon as I hang up the phone, Bethany plops down on my desk. I know what she wants to talk about, but I get to the question first. “What is Jack doing here?” I say and point to his closed office door a few feet down the hall.

Jack’s only been the new Vice President for a month. His nameplate isn’t even outside his office yet and his family is still living in New Hampshire. They’re having a hard time selling their house since the economy is worth shit right about now. This is his second visit to Chicago, but I wish it was his last.

“Sadie, you can’t tell anyone,” Bethany says.
—Lisa Katzenberger

Developmental Edit

I love Bethany! She’s a go-getter!

Tense? check
Specific? check
Raises a question? check check Who’s Jack? And why does this character hate him?
Drop-kicks us off the end? check Why doesn’t Bethany want anyone to know he’s here?

What does this paragraph tell us about the book we’re starting? A character named Sadie works in a cubicle at a Chicago company that just acquired a new Vice President, a male character named Jack from New Hampshire. Sade knows how many times Jack’s been to Chicago, and she doesn’t like him. Her friend Bethany apparently knows even more about Jack than that.

Do I want to follow this character through a whole novel? I don’t know. I’ve seen the stalker Bethany in her shiny, sharp-toed shoes digging holes in the nice carpet. And I’ve learned Jack’s family is having trouble withe the real estate economy. But all I know about this protagonist is that she can talk on the phone and beat Bethany to the punch. Because she can beat Bethany to the punch—and I get the impression that’s not easy—I’ll ride with her to the next page.

Genre? Romance? That’s my guess.

Do we need to know who the character is, how they got here, where they were before? Nah. I know just enough about her history with Jack to be interested in finding out more.

Do we need to know what she’s going to do next? I hope she marches over and throws Jack’s door open and demands to know what he’s doing on her turf. But barring that, I’d like to find out what Bethany knows that Sadie doesn’t.

Does this paragraph drop us right smack in a specific moment in this character’s story? You bet. Stalker pal and all!

So let’s talk about the structure of it. There are a few metaphors we don’t need and one cliche verb. I’d save some of Jack’s backstory for later. But it’s pretty solid. Can this be made shorter and snappier?

Copy & Line Edit

Bethany is stalking me outside my cubicle. She saunters back and forth, her sleek shoes with their pointy heels digging into the bland blue-gray carpet.

As soon as I hang up, Bethany is on my desk. I know what she wants, but I get to the question first. “What’s Jack doing here?” I point to a closed door a few feet down the hall.

Jack’s only been the new Vice President for a month. His nameplate isn’t even outside his office yet. This is his second visit to Chicago, and I wish it was his last.

“Sadie, you can’t tell anyone,” Bethany says.

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According to Wordpress, we broke 1000 views of JUST YOUR HOOKS in only three days this week!

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