My guitar case bounced against my trembling knee. My boot stomped the rhythm I’d practiced all week: “Heart You” by OK Morale:

You think you’re no one special
You think you’re alone, but—

“Mox”

“Mox”

“Moxie!” I turned to Summer. “What are you thinking?”

“The Unbearable Lightness of Being.”

“You’re sitting two steps away from him,” she flicked her head to the right,” and you’re thinking about homework?” I shushed Summer and stole a look at Wayne. He was laughter deep in a conversation with two guys from the basketball team. His eyes moved from the six-foot range down to me. I pretended to be staring at the abstract paintings behind him. A cute goatee boy climbed on stage.

“Any brave souls?” he asked. Summer watched me scan the audience.

“Why did you schlep that thing down here?”
—Marie Devers

Developmental Edit

Moxie is a fabulous name for fiction. Already, I’m expecting this character to live up to it!

Detailed? check
Realistic? check
Raises a question? check Is Moxie going to go on stage?
Drop-kicks us off the end? check Although not quite hard enough, since the kicker line simply reiterates what we already know from the first lines.

What does this tell us about the book we’re starting? A female character named Summer and her friend Moxie are trying to get a male character named Wayne to pay attention to Moxie. Moxie is nervous, shy, concentrating on the words to a song. . .and apparently either confused or trying to mislead Summer.

Do I want to follow this character through an entire novel? Well, I’m willing to see whether or not Moxie gets up there and plays. (It would be a great twist if Moxie turned out to be a guy!)

Genre? Chick-lit, maybe, if Moxie turns out to be a girl? The high quotient of nerves and shyness plus homework makes me think it’s aimed at either teenagers or college students.Teens would make it Young Adult.

Do we need to know who the character is, how they got here, where they were before? No. We have enough for the hook.

Do we need to know what’s going to happen next? No, this set-up is good.

Does this drop us into a moment in the character’s story? Yes, it does. We are in a place and time with these characters, Moxie has a difficult decision to make, and we can see what’s making it difficult.

Let’s talk about structure. This is tight and illustrative—without coming right out and describing it, the writer shows us a stage, an audience, two individual groups in the audience, and the venue with its abstract paintings and cute goatee guy. She also shows us what they’re all here for without telling us: it’s open-mike night. Great use of action!

Here’s a problem, though—I do not use song lyrics or fragments of poetry or other writers’ works in my stuff, and this is why: Michael Cunningham littered Mrs. Dalloway with excerpts from Virginia Woolf’s Mrs. Dalloway’s Party, managing only to illuminate how very inferior his own writing is to hers. Do not do this to yourself. Also, when you use someone else’s words in your hook, it looks like you’re trying to piggyback on their talent to attract readers, which doesn’t work.

There are also problems with punctuation and dialog structure. This is covered in “Punctuating Dialog Correctly” in The Art & Craft of Fiction.

Can this hook be made any simpler and briefer, ratcheting the tension while keeping the good illustration, removing the other writer’s words, and giving the last line the kick it needs?

Copy & Line Edit

“Mox. Mox. Moxie!”

I turned to Summer.

“What are you thinking?”

“The Unbearable Lightness of Being.”

“You’re sitting two steps away from him—” She flicked her head.”—and you’re thinking about homework?”

I glanced at Wayne. He was laughing with two guys from the basketball team. His eyes moved from the six-foot range down to me, but I pretended to stare at the abstract paintings behind him.

A cute goatee boy climbed on stage. “Any brave souls?”

Summer watched me scan the audience, guitar case trembling on my knee. “Why did you schlep that thing down here?”