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  • Free HOOK Edit: The wolf would have been mistaken—

    The wolf would have been mistaken for a large dog in the low light. Alexis wasn’t fooled. She knew who and what he was. His hackles slowly raised and he bared his teeth.

    “I’m not going back, Quinn.” Alexis hugged the bag closer, shielding herself from the intense, glowing eyes as best she could. “I know the rules. You can’t force me. I have to choose it and I don’t.”

    A sharp huff escaped his snout. She didn’t dare move. After five years of running from the Keltoi, and from Quinn in particular, she had finally allowed herself to believe she was safe. She’d settled down, taken a full-time job and rented an apartment. Hell, she had even adopted a cat from the local animal shelter. She should have known better. Quinn would hunt her until either she was dead or he was.

    It was in his blood, or rather she was.
    —Stephanie St. Clair

    Developmental Edit

    I like a story that throws me straight into a scene. And chances are good I’m going to stick around for the second page if the characters are scaring the bejeezus out of each other without resorting to tacky violence!

    Tense? check
    Solidly detailed? check
    Raises a question? check How’s she going to get away from the wolf?
    Drop-kicks us off the end? check Yes! Yanks the reader’s head right around—what do you mean, she’s in his BLOOD?

    What does this tell us about the book we’re starting? A female named Alexis with an important bag squares off against her arch-nemesis, a wolf named Quinn with whom she has long, scary history.

    Do I want to follow this character through a whole novel? I’m willing to see where she goes next. She’s got guts, she’s got a cool head (she knows the rules), she’s got a heck of a vital conflict going on here.

    Genre? Fantasy. Maybe adventure or thriller.

    Do we need to know who the character is, how they got here, where they were before? I think we could drop some of this backstory. The tension in this scene is great. I’d focus on it.

    Do we need to know what’s going to happen next? I’M sure sticking around to find out!

    Does this drop us into a moment in the character’s story? You bet. Alexis is just about to fight for her life. That’s a heck of a good moment.

    Let’s talk about structure. The tension is high. Just based on what we know about her already, we’re willing to throw our weight behind Alexis. The backstory can wait until later. Let’s turn up the heat.

    Can this hook be made any shorter and snappier, without inessential backstory, while keeping the conflict focused?

    Copy & Line Edit

    “I’m not going back, Quinn.” Alexis hugged the bag closer, shielding herself from the glowing eyes. “I know the rules. You can’t force me.”

    The wolf’s hackles raised, and he bared his teeth.

    She should have known better. Quinn would hunt her until either she was dead or he was.

    She was in his blood.

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No Responses to “Free HOOK Edit: The wolf would have been mistaken—”

  1. Stephanie St.Clair said on August 10th, 2009 at 12:33 pm

    Thanks for the comments. I loved how you tightened it up. :-)

  2. gotheca said on August 10th, 2009 at 3:32 pm

    I’m glad! Half of editing is taking words out. The other half is knowing which ones to leave in.

    Thanks for being one of the guinea pigs! You did a great job.

    Victoria

  3. KjM said on August 10th, 2009 at 3:36 pm

    The only thing I’d change, in the tightened version, would be to leave the last line as it had been. It begins gently, and in an ordinary way, then the “…or rather she was” really snaps the reader’s head around.

    Apologies if sideline comments aren’t wanted for these exercises.

  4. gotheca said on August 10th, 2009 at 3:42 pm

    KjM, you make a good point. The reason I didn’t keep that either/or structure is that it’s used in the line above, and it weakens the impact of a technique to use it twice in a row unless you’re very specifically building tension with repetition—which unfortunately is a technique so over-used I avoid it unless it’s from a really fresh and different angle.

    If you can remove the either/or from the sentence above, it works fine in the kicker.

    Victoria

  5. Iapetus999 said on August 10th, 2009 at 3:50 pm

    Aww, I liked the part about the cat. Gives the MC a human touch.
    Sometimes too many edits makes the characters sterile. I want to know why I should care about this person, not just the fact that they’re in danger.

  6. KjM said on August 10th, 2009 at 3:51 pm

    Ah – I see it now (now that’s it’s been pointed out to me. Sheesh!)

    Finely edited. It has to be hard not to let your concentration weaken as you work on these, so you don’t miss that kind of repetition.

  7. gotheca said on August 10th, 2009 at 5:51 pm

    Andrew–you bet, the cat will be in the picture. Just not the first few words. Focus on one thing at a time, so the reader knows what to pay attention to. Yank them in by the collar first. Then show them how nice you’re going to be.

    Pushing your readers around: http://victoriamixon.com/2009/06/20/pushing-your-readers-around/

    Or are you just afraid I’ll take the cat out of yours? ;)

    Victoria

  8. Amy said on August 11th, 2009 at 9:44 am

    really good! I liked the action, immediately I was wondering who Quinn was and why. Very tight piece. Nice!

  9. Phyl said on August 11th, 2009 at 11:21 am

    I was especially intrigued by this one, since I love Celtic mythology and things derived in some way from Celtic culture or history. So reference to the “Keltoi” got me right away. Then add in the suspense of the wolf being there in the first place, and the fact that she’s been running from him for so long, and I’m certainly hooked.

  10. Ashley Ludwig said on August 11th, 2009 at 12:47 pm

    This one hooked me right away. The line edit was just the thing…

    Wondering what will happen to cat. Don’t kill the cat!!! ;-)

  11. Angie said on August 14th, 2009 at 2:22 pm

    Love this one – you immediately get thrown into the shoes of someone being hunted, and feel for them. Genre is clear from the get-go, conflict is clear, and it makes you want to learn more about both characters.

    Not worried about the cat. I’m sure it will eventually walk in while we’re sleeping, bat at our nose and drop a dead mouse on us. Just because it can. ;)

  12. Jamie D. said on August 19th, 2009 at 1:33 pm

    Very intriguing hook. I’d certainly read more. I want to know how Alexis is going to get out of this – and what Quinn will do to keep her. Great characters right off the bat.

  13. Jeanette Bennett said on August 19th, 2009 at 5:31 pm

    “It was in his blood, or rather she was.” ??? I have to hang around just to find out exactly what that means. This is no ordinary wolf. Werewolf? At least it’s something supernatural. This hook leaves us with dozens of questions that need to be answered without leaving us too confused to care. We have to know!

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Scott Warrender
Short story author Scott Warrender is a Mentoring Program client. I have done full Copy, Line, & Developmental Editing on a number of short stories for him, the first of which was his poignant fictional memoir of Africa, ''The Boy With the Newsprint Kite,'' now published in the Foundling Review.

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Bhaichand Patel is the author of two nonfiction books: Chasing the Good Life (Penguin Books India, October, 2006), and Happy Hours (Penguin Books India, October, 2009). I edited Patel's debut novel, When the Streets Were Cold and Dark.

I've edited a number of nonfiction essays for my friend Lucia Orth. (Many years ago, my contribution to Baby Jesus Pawn Shop was simply a peer critique and participation in a standing ovation.)

The poet Chris Ryan is the author of The Bible of Animal Feet (Farfalla Press, 2007). He has recent stories in Pank, Anemone Sidecar, and A Cappella Zoo. I edited Ryan's novel The Ishmael Blade and worked with him on his debut novel Heliophobia and WIP Pogue.