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  • Free HOOK Edit: Thel nocked an arrow—

    Thel nocked an arrow and inhaled until her lungs were full and drew back the bowstring until her left hand rested lightly against her cheekbone. She exhaled slowly and sighted with her left eye then swiveled her right arm so that she could see the flat expanse between the buck’s unblinking black eyes. She curled her left index finger and touched the trigger release.
    —Chris Hale

    Developmental Edit

    I’m all over that word “nocked.” Action, expertise, great sound all packed into one—and it’s almost the first word! hook

    Tense? check
    Vivid? check
    Raises a question? check Will she get him?
    Drop-kicks us off the end? check —touched the trigger release— You betcha!

    What does this paragraph tell us about the book we’re starting? A female character named Thel is out hunting a buck. She’s calm, and she seems to know exactly what she’s doing. She has a whole series of steps she goes through to make sure she makes her shot, and she breathes deeply and deliberately as part of her prep.

    Do I want to follow this character through a whole novel? So far, I like her. She looks smart and hard to fluster. I like that in a protagonist! It means they can handle a lot of trouble.

    Genre? Right away I’m thinking fantasy, adventure, possibly historical.

    Do we need to know who the character is, how they got here, where they were before? We know she’s hunting—that’s enough for a hook.

    Do we need to know what she’s going to do after she takes her shot? Heck, no!

    Does this paragraph drop us right smack in a specific moment in this character’s story? Yep.

    So let’s talk about the structure of it. This is a very tense moment, and we’re all waiting for her to take her shot. What’s the best way to light a fire under a reader? Keep the action short and snappy. Can this paragraph be made any shorter and snappier, while keeping the essential information and avoiding repetition? Remember, every word counts.

    Copy & Line Edit

    Thel nocked an arrow, inhaled deeply, and drew the bowstring until her left hand rested against her cheekbone. She swiveled toward the flat expanse between the buck’s unblinking black eyes. Then she curled her left index finger, exhaling slowly, and touched the trigger release.

    No Comments

No Responses to “Free HOOK Edit: Thel nocked an arrow—”

  1. Maureen said on August 10th, 2009 at 2:12 pm

    Wow — I counted only 64 words. It was easy to imagine the scene. Even my husband, who hates to read, liked it. (He’s a bowhunter, too.) Well done!

  2. Iapetus999 said on August 10th, 2009 at 3:23 pm

    Makes me want to go hunting.:)
    Although I wonder why aim between the eyes? Seems like the bone is hardest there. A shot right through the eye seems like it would penetrate further. Maybe it’s just an aiming technique.

  3. Ashley Ludwig said on August 11th, 2009 at 10:55 am

    Agree with Iapetus999 – unless you are or have asked an experienced buck hunter, I’d research WHERE she was aiming before jumping on that limb.

    My only other comment is to stay away from adverbs like:

    deeply
    slowly

    “inhaled, slow and steady,”
    “with a slow exhale”

    Something like that?

  4. gotheca said on August 11th, 2009 at 11:48 am

    Ashley, thanks for your comments. I covered adverbs in one of my earliest posts: http://victoriamixon.com/2009/01/26/not-going-gently-into-that-adverbial-night/.

    We’re assuming for the purposes of this exercise that anyone describing a specific place or action has done their research. Fact-checking is beyond the scope of this blog.

    Victoria

  5. Ashley Ludwig said on August 11th, 2009 at 12:22 pm

    Well, 10k lashes with a wet noodle for me! New here – great blog, and nice to meet you. What a wonderful place to share knowledge with authors.

  6. gotheca said on August 11th, 2009 at 12:30 pm

    It’s very nice to meet you, too. Ashley. I’ve clarified the purpose of the Comments on these Edits for everyone. I was not clear about it before.

    I hope you find what helps you here!

    Victoria

  7. Ashley Ludwig said on August 11th, 2009 at 12:54 pm

    BTW ? Whoever Thel is, I’m hooked! ;-) In case I forgot to mention that. She seems like a warrior type, who can take care of herself. Just the type of character I’d follow for 300 some odd pages! well done.

  8. KjM said on August 11th, 2009 at 1:39 pm

    This character, Thel, clearly knows what she’s doing – and, she’s a “leftie” too. I’m on board with her for the adventure – nice hook.

  9. gotheca said on August 12th, 2009 at 10:47 am

    Yeah, I caught the leftie thing, too! Great touch, huh?

    Victoria

  10. cghale said on August 13th, 2009 at 10:42 am

    Wow, you guys are awesome. Thanks for the feedback! I’m looking forward to having the time to develop this story, so hopefully Thel will come to life on the page the way she has in my head.

    I admit that I struggle with adverb use. It’s just so tempting to drop them in! But I’m working on that problem, taking it day by day (or line by line…).

    I appreciate your point, Iapetus999, and I admit that, not being a hunter myself, I hadn’t thought about that. I think Thel will be aiming for the eye…

  11. Angie said on August 14th, 2009 at 2:14 pm

    I think it’s a good sign that those of us into archery are immediately drawn into this peice – you definately got the feel of it right! And now I want to know – are they shooting between the eyes to be fancy? do they have a magic bow? Will something startle the deer and ruin an already difficult shot? Enquiring minds want to know! :)

  12. Michelle Jefferies said on August 27th, 2009 at 9:30 am

    I liked the image. I was right there with you. I liked the left handed thing too. :) I did want to ask when the time frame was, the “trigger” threw me because I was thinking “pre trigger” time untill then. I was living in the past untill then. :) Also, why the head when a arrow through the spine in theneck would drop the animal in one shot? Just some honest questions.

    Michelle

  13. Chris Hale said on August 27th, 2009 at 9:49 am

    Thanks for the comments, Michelle. The “trigger” reference is intentional and is meant to place the story in a specific time. Time is a big factor in the story, but I could only include the hook! In the next paragraphs, it becomes clear that this isn’t a “pre-trigger” time, but most of the characters do have “pre-trigger” lives and stories. Hopefully the reference to a trigger release wouldn’t throw the reader too much, especially when it’s in its full context.

    Spine shot, huh? I admit I’m not a hunter…frankly, neither is Thel, though she does have preternatural skill with the bow…

    I’m trying to introduce an internal conflict in the opening paragraphs–Thel is a natural hunter in terms of skill with the bow, but she’s hesitant to take a life. It both bothers and fascinates her that she’s gifted in this way.

    Thanks again!

  14. gotheca said on August 27th, 2009 at 9:57 am

    Chris,

    Hey, that’s very interesting that you intended to portray Thel as hesitant to take a life. I got that she was calm, level-headed, and skilled, but not hesitant.

    You could get that in there easily with just one more mannerism at the end of the second paragraph, right before she takes her shot (”She swiveled toward the flat expanse between the buck’s unblinking black eyes and—”). People do lots of subtle facial things to indicate discomfort: bite a lip, wrinkle a forehead, wince. The briefer the image, the more powerful. Nice touch!

    Victoria

  15. Chris Hale said on August 27th, 2009 at 10:03 am

    Thanks for the advice, Victoria. I’ll work on getting that in. I definitely want her to appear calm, level-headed, and skilled…but also severely conflicted about that aspect of herself. (It helps to know that she’s 14! And before all the experienced hunters complain about a 14-year-old girl being able to pull a compound bow, let me say that she’s not an ordinary 14-year-old girl…) I like the facial things–maybe she opens her other eye at the last moment…or closes both eyes.

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Bhaichand Patel is the author of two nonfiction books: Chasing the Good Life (Penguin Books India, October, 2006), and Happy Hours (Penguin Books India, October, 2009). I recently edited Patel's debut novel, When the Streets Were Dark and Cold.

Although my contribution to Baby Jesus Pawn Shop was only a peer critique and participation in a standing ovation, in 2009 I edited two nonfiction essays for my friend Lucia Orth.

The poet Chris Ryan is the author of The Bible of Animal Feet (Farfalla Press, 2007). He has new stories forthcoming in Pank, Anemone Sidecar, and A Cappella Zoo. I edited Ryan's debut novel The Ishmael Blade.

I edited Pushcart Prize nominee Ania Vesenny's debut novel, Swearing in Russian at the Northern Lights, forthcoming from the Invisible Press, 2011.