Dear Major Bradon,
I’ll keep this simple for you.
Technomancy: The fine art of combining science and sorcery.
Technomancers: People who manage to survive combining science and sorcery.
Did I mention that there aren’t that many of us?
We’ve been called many things over the years, alchemists, magicians… But don’t get hung up on whole ‘sorcery’ thing. Technology is what it’s really all about. Take a look at my business, I can apply occult biometrics to anything. Yes, even swords in stones, though I’d recommend sticking with more modern technology, it works better. Trust me, if Merlin would’ve had a chain gun with a biometric trigger-lock keyed to Arthur, he’d have used it. The crazy old codger would have loved the idea of guns.
I don’t think I need to tell you not to try this at home. Actually, don’t try it all, stick to the military. You’ll live longer.
—Angie Capozello
Developmental Edit
I love that Merlin’s gun would be keyed to Arthur. Terrific eye for the telling detail!
Detailed? check
Threatening? check
Raises a question? check Who’s threatening Major Bradon?
Drop-kicks us off the end? check Don’t try what at home?
What does this paragraph tell us about the book we’re starting? Major Bradon doesn’t understand Technomancers. In fact, it looks like he’s thinking about messing with them. Someone is warning him not to—on pain of shortening his life.
Do I want to follow this character through a whole novel? I’m not completely certain what character we’re dealing with. I get the impression it’s not Major Bradon. It must be the anonymous author of the letter. They sound intelligent, creative, assertive, and a bit smart-aleck. I like that!
Genre? Fantasy, possibly sci fi, possibly violent with that reference to the military.
Do we need to know who the character is, how they got here, where they were before? We know quite a bit about this narrator, what they do, how they do it, why they’re squaring off against Major Bradon and his military. That’s great!
Do we need to know what happens next? I hoping we cut directly to a scene in which either the narrator looks up from writing the letter or Major Bradon looks up from reading it.
Does this paragraph drop us right smack in a specific moment in this character’s story? Well, the personal address to another character tells us we’re in an exchange. So that’s immediate. But I’m hoping to meet a character directly any second.
So let’s talk about the structure of it. There is a problem here, and that is that agents and publishers don’t particularly like stories that start with letters anymore. I think it confuses them. Whatever the reason is, it’s a strike against you. And your hook is not a good place to have a strike against you.
There’s also the grammar in the first sentence about Merlin. This might very well be intended to illustrate the voice of the narrator, in which case we keep it. (But if it’s an author error, it needs to be corrected.)
Other than that, there’s a whole lot of information packed into character communication, with good motivation so it doesn’t sound contrived. And the narrator’s character comes through clearly. Excellent stuff!
Can this be made shorter and snappier, keeping the 1st-person address to Major Bradon without relying on a letter format?
Copy & Line Edit
I’ll keep this simple, Major Bradon. Don’t get hung up on the whole ’sorcery’ thing. Technology is what it’s all about.
Look at my business: a Technomancer can apply occult biometrics to anything. Yes, even swords in stones, although I’d recommend sticking with more modern technology than that. Trust me, if that crazy old codger Merlin would’ve had a chain gun with a biometric trigger-lock keyed to Arthur, he’d have used it.
I don’t need to tell you not to try this at home. Actually, don’t try it all.
Stick to the military. You’ll live longer.
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