Comments on: Free HOOK Edit: Dear Major Bradon—

By: Sean O'Mordha

Sean O'Mordha — Fri, 28 Aug 2009 22:32:26 +0000

In the first sentence three words pop out: “Major”, “technology”, and “sorcery”. A person would expect the first two to go together, but sorcery is like the opposite pole on a magnet. That raised my curiosity to see what is going on here.

Your approach has imagination.

By: Amy

Amy — Tue, 18 Aug 2009 20:47:15 +0000

Really like the voice of this, the tone is so sassy! And the Merlin reference made us see more than you actually wrote, instant mental picture. Great!

By: Laura Eno

Laura Eno — Tue, 18 Aug 2009 00:05:37 +0000

I like the contrast between science and sorcery. Using the reference to Merlin in something that’s apparently high-tech sci/fi is great. It sounds very interesting!

By: gotheca

gotheca — Mon, 17 Aug 2009 20:02:51 +0000

Angie,

The quirky grammar is great as long as you’re using it to illuminate this character. It absolutely puts the reader in the head of the narrator. My only concern was that some new writers accidentally use poor grammar they mean to be correct.

I think you’d be perfectly safe using a brief passage like this in italics to introduce each major section. The key is to keep it brief and extremely tight. You don’t have to make it clear they’re addressing each other in writing—that can be mentioned or even just suggested in the story. It’s a trivial point so long as the reader is swept up on their actual relationship.

What matters is this subtle extra layer that doesn’t interfere with the flow of the plot.

Victoria

By: Angie

Angie — Mon, 17 Aug 2009 19:05:23 +0000

Thanks for the tip about not starting with letters! I had planned on beginning each major section with another snarky set of notes between the two, but now I’ll have to rethink that a bit.

I’ve definately been struggling with the Merlin line – trying to get the voice right without tripping up the reader. I think I’ve re-written that one paragraph about 50 times already. Do you think leaving in the quirky grammar would be a deal breaker?

And yes, you do get to meet Nox in the next paragraph. She’s fiesty, cantankerous, and I am having no end of fun writing this character