Father Patrick lay on the pavement outside the parish office, his skin ashen, the sash from his cassock wound around his throat. Molly willed herself to look away from his body, to ground herself in focusing on anything else—the scent of freshly-mown grass, the rough texture of the limestone cobbles, the echo of the police’s measured footsteps. But the details made the horror even more surreal.
She hugged Kathleen, her sobbing coworker, and wished she could abandon herself to the same wave of sorrow—grief she should be feeling, if her heart weren’t so numb with shock.
Uniformed officers cordoned off the area around Father Patrick and the open office door. If Molly had locked the office yesterday, it wouldn’t have been an easy target. She swallowed against the panic rising in her throat like bile. She wouldn’t be any good to anyone—least of all the Chicago police—if she lost her head.
—Jordan McCollum
Developmental Edit
This is some great internal conflict going on here. Molly versus Molly, round one!
Tense? check
Dramatic? check
Raises a question? check What happened to Father Patrick?
Drop-kicks us off the end? check Why is it important to the police that Molly in particular keep her head?
What does this paragraph tell us about the book we’re starting? A female named Molly is witnessing the aftermath of the apparent murder of a male named Father Patrick. The police and a female co-worker are also there. And Molly feels partially responsible for the death.
Do I want to follow this character through a whole novel? That’s a good question. If it turns out that Molly really is pivotal to the police investigation and that she can keep a cool head even while Kathleen is losing hers, then I’m interested. However, if she’s a victim character who feels guilty about things and imagines she’s more important to the police than she is, then I don’t think I’ll follow her for long.
Genre? Mystery. Natch.
Do we need to know who the character is, how they got here, where they were before? I know Molly’s got enough connection to the site of the murder that she feels implicated, and that’s enough for me.
Do we need to know what she’s going to do next? I’d like to see some action.
Does this paragraph drop us right smack in a specific moment in this character’s story? Absolutely.
Let’s talk about the structure of it. There are some good details and concrete action. There is also, though, quite a bit of exposition, particularly Molly’s thoughts—more than normal for a mystery. And there’s a slight roadbump with the verb “wound” because it’s too easy for the reader to leap to the conclusion that you mean in this context the noun “wound.”
Can this be made shorter and snappier, while sharpening Molly’s internal tension?
Copy & Line Edit
Father Patrick lay on the pavement outside the parish office, his skin ashen, the sash from his cassock around his throat. Molly willed herself to look away, numb with shock, to ground herself in the smell of grass, the limestone cobbles, the echo of the police’s measured footsteps. But the details made the horror even more surreal.
She hugged Kathleen, who sobbed, and wished she could abandon herself to her own grief.
Uniformed officers cordoned off the area around Father Patrick and the open door. Molly hadn’t locked the office yesterday. She swallowed against the bile rising in her throat. She wouldn’t be any good to anyone—least of all the Chicago police—if she lost her head.
.
