Comments on: Free HOOK Edit: Red letters flew into John's vision—

By: Lady Glamis

Lady Glamis — Sun, 23 Aug 2009 20:02:13 +0000

I’m really not into space sci-fi, but this is a good hook! Beautiful descriptions, and you make sure to establish the setting right away.

By: lanetta

lanetta — Fri, 21 Aug 2009 16:51:31 +0000

Suggestions made the read flow much better. It certainly grabbed my interest. I would continue reading to learn more about the characters, the emergency, and whether they make it off in time!

By: aimeestates

aimeestates — Fri, 21 Aug 2009 14:46:02 +0000

Good job, Andrew!

By: Lisa Katzenberger

Lisa Katzenberger — Thu, 20 Aug 2009 12:49:12 +0000

I like the urgency in this scene. I also like how you build the anticipation and fear of the cable giving way without explicitly saying “the cable broke.” And great use of simile!

By: Stephanie St.Clair

Stephanie St.Clair — Thu, 20 Aug 2009 01:29:26 +0000

I liked how it drew me in. I would definitely keep reading to find out what happens.

By: Beth

Beth — Thu, 20 Aug 2009 00:19:22 +0000

I like the idea of being connected to something so vital that you can’t live without by such a tenuous connection. Knowing this vital connection could potentially break at any moment conveys a real sense of panic.

By: gotheca

gotheca — Thu, 20 Aug 2009 00:15:39 +0000

Jeannette, as much as I would like to blame publishers for everything wrong with books nowadays, the only reason they prefer any particular technique is because it works. They get their idea of what works from what readers buy. They are, after all, businesspeople.

You might want to check out Competing in the writers’ aristocracy.

Victoria

By: Jeanette Bennett

Jeanette Bennett — Thu, 20 Aug 2009 00:01:15 +0000

The problem with the way novels are written nowadays is you get plopped into the middle of the action and feel disoriented. But that’s what the publishers want.

Luckily you give enough clues that a person quickly gets an idea of what’s going on. The very first sentence suggests futuristic technology and a bad situtation. We get more hints that this is above the Earth and all hell’s broke loose–everyone is endanger due to some malfunction.

Okay, I want to know what happens next!

By: gotheca

gotheca — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 21:14:35 +0000

Now you have to tell us about the grease fire, Jordan. . .

Victoria

By: Jordan McCollum

Jordan McCollum — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 21:07:29 +0000

One time I started a grease fire. . . .

I love the tension in the opening paragraphs, Andrew!