Trapped.
Isem’s eyes flickered around the room as he shifted on the chair. There wasn’t much to see. A small table lined with chairs, a fire licking away at the logs in the fireplace. A wood stove, a sink, and a counter where his captor stood, back to him. She was a short woman, but powerful. Overpowering her was not an option. To Isem’s right, an open door beckoned him with the inviting rays of dawn. His hands twitched as they rested on the table. If I could just make it to the door, he thought, she’d never catch me.
He glanced back at the woman. But if she catches me… He shuddered at the thought. The punishment facing him was bad enough without anything else tacked on. The prospect of freedom was too tempting though, and Isem braced himself against the table in preparation for a mad dash for the exit. On three…
—Richard Young
Developmental Edit
Terrific tension! Syd Field, the quintessential playwright, always begins a scene as close to the end as possible. You don’t get much closer than this!
Tense? check
Detailed? check
Raises a question? check Will he try to escape?
Drop-kicks us off the end? check Will he make it?
What does this paragraph tell us about the book we’re starting? A male character named Irem is being held against his will by a woman physically stronger than him and apparently planning to punish him. They appear to be in a home, and it is dawn.
Do I want to follow this character through a whole novel? I’m ready to at least follow him to the next page! I want to see if he makes it. And whether he does or not, I want to know why he’s being held against his will and by whom.
Genre? I couldn’t find Isem in any name catalogues online, so I’m guessing it’s fantasy. It could be adult, children’s, or YA (I suspect the reason Isem can’t overpower the short woman is because he’s smaller than she is—a child), but there could also be a thriller or mystery element.
Do we need to know who the character is, how they got here, where they were before? I like not knowing. That’s tension!
Do we need to know what’s going to happen next? I am POISED to find out!
Does this paragraph drop us right smack in a specific moment in this character’s story? Yes, it does. The sun is coming up, and Isem desperately wants to make a break for it.
So let’s talk about the structure of it. This is a very tense moment. There’s a certain amount of explanation that can be left to the reader’s imagination, inferred from the characters’ action and internal dialog. There is also one instance of sunlight “beckoning,” which is a problem because beckoning is a very specific gesture performed with the fingers, meaning inanimate objects—even fingerless objects—cannot beckon. Can this be made any shorter and snappier, while removing the explanations and beckoning and retaining the tension and ambiance?
Copy & Line Edit
Trapped.
Isem’s eyes flickered around the room—a small table, chairs, a fire licking at the logs in the fireplace. A short, powerful woman stood at the sink with her back to him. The light of dawn came through an open door, and his hands twitched on the table. If I made it to the door, she’d never catch me.
He glanced at the woman. But if she catches me. . . He shuddered. Isem braced himself against the table. On three. . .