Bethany is stalking me outside my cubicle. She’s sauntering back and forth like a slinky tiger. Her shoes, sleek and shiny and sharp-toed, are like silky claws. The pointy heels dig into the bland blue-gray carpet.

As soon as I hang up the phone, Bethany plops down on my desk. I know what she wants to talk about, but I get to the question first. “What is Jack doing here?” I say and point to his closed office door a few feet down the hall.

Jack’s only been the new Vice President for a month. His nameplate isn’t even outside his office yet and his family is still living in New Hampshire. They’re having a hard time selling their house since the economy is worth shit right about now. This is his second visit to Chicago, but I wish it was his last.

“Sadie, you can’t tell anyone,” Bethany says.
—Lisa Katzenberger

Developmental Edit

I love Bethany! She’s a go-getter!

Tense? check
Specific? check
Raises a question? check check Who’s Jack? And why does this character hate him?
Drop-kicks us off the end? check Why doesn’t Bethany want anyone to know he’s here?

What does this paragraph tell us about the book we’re starting? A character named Sadie works in a cubicle at a Chicago company that just acquired a new Vice President, a male character named Jack from New Hampshire. Sade knows how many times Jack’s been to Chicago, and she doesn’t like him. Her friend Bethany apparently knows even more about Jack than that.

Do I want to follow this character through a whole novel? I don’t know. I’ve seen the stalker Bethany in her shiny, sharp-toed shoes digging holes in the nice carpet. And I’ve learned Jack’s family is having trouble withe the real estate economy. But all I know about this protagonist is that she can talk on the phone and beat Bethany to the punch. Because she can beat Bethany to the punch—and I get the impression that’s not easy—I’ll ride with her to the next page.

Genre? Romance? That’s my guess.

Do we need to know who the character is, how they got here, where they were before? Nah. I know just enough about her history with Jack to be interested in finding out more.

Do we need to know what she’s going to do next? I hope she marches over and throws Jack’s door open and demands to know what he’s doing on her turf. But barring that, I’d like to find out what Bethany knows that Sadie doesn’t.

Does this paragraph drop us right smack in a specific moment in this character’s story? You bet. Stalker pal and all!

So let’s talk about the structure of it. There are a few metaphors we don’t need and one cliche verb. I’d save some of Jack’s backstory for later. But it’s pretty solid. Can this be made shorter and snappier?

Copy & Line Edit

Bethany is stalking me outside my cubicle. She saunters back and forth, her sleek shoes with their pointy heels digging into the bland blue-gray carpet.

As soon as I hang up, Bethany is on my desk. I know what she wants, but I get to the question first. “What’s Jack doing here?” I point to a closed door a few feet down the hall.

Jack’s only been the new Vice President for a month. His nameplate isn’t even outside his office yet. This is his second visit to Chicago, and I wish it was his last.

“Sadie, you can’t tell anyone,” Bethany says.