AND. . .the next Free Edit goes to Jordan McCollum, with a free Developmental Edit of her entire chapter. Thank you good-natured folks for the other entries today, and I’ll get those edited and posted tomorrow!
Setup
Molly’s last priest (Father Patrick) was murdered, and in the intervening months she has fallen in love with his replacement, Father Tim. Here, she sits unnoticed in a side chapel as Father Tim talks to the other priest in the parish, Father Fitzgerald.
Climax
Father Tim sighed and looked down. “I’m no priest.”
In an instant, Molly’s heart soared, and her stomach lurched. Was he leaving the priesthood—to be with her?
“Oh, my son.” Father Fitzgerald lowered his voice to an imploring whisper, a plea in his eyes. “What is it? Please tell me it’s not Molly.”
“I could never—do you have any idea what that would do to her?”
“Then what have you done?”
“Nothing. I’ve just never received Holy Orders.”
A hollow replaced Molly’s joy and terror; Father Fitzgerald’s pity flashed to anger. “You’re not a real priest?”
“I just told you—”
Father Fitzgerald sputtered for a split second, then ripped the white plastic insert from Tim’s clerical collar. “You’ll be excommunicated!”
“Probably would be, if I were Catholic.”
“You’re not even Catholic? What the—”
“Federal agent.” Father—no, Special Agent Tim pulled a notecase from his jacket and flashed a badge.
Molly forced herself to inhale. This couldn’t be happening. As if thinking the same thing, Father Fitzgerald gaped at Tim.
And Tim pressed on with the questioning. “When exactly did Ian tell you he was abused by Father Patrick?”
“I told you, I don’t remember exactly.”
“Was it September thirteenth?”
The day Father Patrick died? Father Fitzgerald had known for weeks?
“Yes.” Father Fitzgerald’s voice was only a pained breath.
Tim studied the older man’s face before continuing. “Is that why you killed him?”
What? The cottony void overtaking Molly’s chest expanded as she drew a noiseless gasp.
Developmental Edit
Can we tell what the premise of this novel is? A priest kills a fellow priest for molesting children. Ba-da-bing, ba-da-bang, ba-da-BOOM.
What else? The federal agent who goes undercover to investigate the mysterious death of the priest not only uncovers the murderer, he uncovers the reason for the murder—throwing him into a moral quandry the reader feels just as deeply as the characters (investment!)—while simultaneously developing a serious relationship with the protagonist. Lap and over-lap, layers upon layers!
Excellent stuff!
The dialog is straight and to-the-point. Each character has a perspective to which they remain true, they speak at cross purposes, and Molly, listening in, goes through all heck of emotional reactions to what they reveal. I’ve trimmed it some to keep it as pointed and fast-moving as possible. I’ve also trimmed a little of the character actions. The fewer there are the greater the impact, and the less you rely on engaging the reader’s sympathy, paradoxically, the more you accomplish.
Also, I switched Molly’s inhale to an exhale because her next action of note is to gasp. This gives her just a tiny bit more rhythm.
Altogether, a clean, strong scene that moves rapidly from initial misunderstanding, through apprehension—yank!—to instantaneous, totally believable outrage, and without stopping for breath right into full-on HOLY COW!
Copy & Line Edit
Father Tim sighed and looked down. “I’m no priest.”
Molly’s stomach lurched. Was he leaving the priesthood—to be with her?
“Oh, my son.” Father Fitzgerald lowered his voice. “What is it? Please tell me it’s not Molly.”
“I could never—do you have any idea what that would do to her?”
“Then what have you done?”
“I never received Holy Orders.”
A cottony hollow filled Molly’s chest; Father Fitzgerald’s voice flashed to anger. “You’re not a real priest?”
“I just—”
Father Fitzgerald ripped the white insert from Tim’s clerical collar. “You’ll be excommunicated!”
“Probably would, if I were Catholic.”
“You’re not—?”
“Federal agent.” Tim pulled a notecase from his jacket and flashed a badge.
Molly forced herself to exhale. This couldn’t be happening.
“When exactly did Ian tell you he was abused by Father Patrick?” Tim continued to study the older man’s face.
“I told you, I don’t remember exactly.”
“September thirteenth?”
The day Father Patrick died?
“Yes.” Father Fitzgerald’s voice was only a pained breath.
“Is that why you killed him?”
Molly drew a noiseless gasp.
). 
