When I came home from a trip to Europe in 1994, I stayed with five friends living in a studio apartment in a bad part of San Francisco’s Mission District. We slept like sardines on the living room floor, and in the mornings I sat at the kitchen table with my friend Ariana, talking vaguely under the overcast sky about having no direction in our lives and looking down into the filthy alley below. One morning, we watched a thin man run lickety-split around the corner of a building, glance over his shoulder, and duck into a doorway.
“What do you suppose he’s up to?” I said.
“It’s his dealer.”
“What?”
Ariana picked up her coffee. “He doesn’t have any money.”
Someone appeared at the corner of the building, bent and stumbling, feeling their way along the wall with one hand and calling in a thick, whining voice.
But the man in the doorway had disappeared. . .
Now, I know as well as you do that you’re not a crazy. That’s not you staggering down the alley, agents scattering into doorways like leaves before a high wind. As Janet Reid has said, we professionals in the industry have “terrified the wrong half of y’all.”
Which is why you’re going to be able to take it when I tell you that agents and publishing editors lie to you routinely. And it is beholden upon all you non-crazies out there to take it graciously, because if the crazies were allowed to run riot there’d be no agents or publishing editors out there to work with the rest of us, at all.
THE LIES
AND THE TRUTHS BEHIND THEM
- “It’s not about the marketing.”
“The publisher’s not going to shell out.”
Yeah, publishers allot marketing budgets to the books they really want to push, and if it didn’t work they wouldn’t do it. You know what happens when you multiply an unknown author’s $1k in sales by the uniform marketing coefficient? You get $1k x UMC. And you know what happens when you multiply Stephen King’s sales by the uniform marketing coefficient?
That’s right. Makes sense now, doesn’t it?
- “It’s all about the marketing.”
“You are going to shell out.”
Everyone wants to see you succeed—your agent, your publisher, and the people who handle their bank accounts most of all. So, hey, knock yourself out. We’re all here in the background rooting for you. YAY TEAM!
- “It’s always subjective.”
“We just happen to all have the same opinion.”
It’s hard not to, when all we base our so-called subjectivity upon years of experience in the same industry and the same sort of exposure to literally hundreds—if not thousands—of manuscripts exactly like yours. We all know how to do this work. That’s why we do it.
- “We make mistakes.”
“But not as many as you wish we did.”
Sure, we forget to pick up half-&-half at the store, and we spike the punch bowl at the office Christmas party, and sometimes we even hurt our loved ones’ feelings. But on the job we’re actually surprisingly competent. Sorry about that.
- “We pass on a lot of good stuff.”
“We also pass on crap.”
Is your stuff crap? You can’t tell, can you? We understand—it’s pretty hard to figure this out without the kind auspices of someone in the know. Well, what would you do to us if we told you the unvarnished truth right to your face?
Why, yes. Yes, I believe you would.
- “Someone else might love this.”
“Tag! They’re It.”
And you know who? That jerk who elbowed in front of everyone at the agents’ buffet at that writers conference, that’s who. That guy’s going to go nuts for you. Let me get you the address. Wait—let me get you the home address.
- “It’s a tough market.”
“Although I personally could sell snow to Eskimos.”
Because, guess what, Eskimos don’t need snow. Ha ha! Such kidders we are. But seriously. No.
- “You don’t need an editor.”
“You need a psychiatrist.”
But Lulu doesn’t mind. They have no standards. AT ALL. Check their website if you don’t believe me. See? You’re welcome.
- “We wish you well in your endeavors.”
“We wish you OTHER endeavors.”
And we do sincerely hope, from the bottoms of our warm, fuzzy, little publishy hearts, that you find all the fulfillment, satisfaction, and best use of your natural talents with them that you’re not going to find, um. . .here.
- “We’re looking forward to your submission.”
“You are the reason we all drink.”
UPDATE: For those who’ve gotten themselves totally confused over a different issue and are here looking for the word “crazies” in the url: yeah, it turns out “crazy” is not an official medical diagnosis—I checked the DSM-IV. Glad I could sort that out for you. You are welcome.
