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New! FULL Developmental Edit letter
DEVELOPMENTAL EDIT The Deceiver’s Wife, Xavier Engleson
Just so you know, I make my sample authors up. I actually write the samples myself, putting in a variety of the most common errors. I give the authors names in order to both make the samples more realistic and amuse myself.
Compassionate Edit
This sample is a “compassionate” full Copy, Line, & Developmental Edit of the first couple of pages of a humorous paranormal thriller.
Please note that the sample is only 426 words. In real life, nobody ever sends me only 426 words, so please don’t have a heart attack when you see that the total rate by word count is only $6.39.
The first section is the original manuscript.
The second section is the edited manuscript.
The third section is the in-line copy editing and line editing that turned the original into the edited manuscript.
The final section is the developmental editing letter to the author.
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Bats in the Belfry
It was a stormy night, and Jake couldn’t get his flashlight to work. What was up? Had his wife borrowed the batteries for her experiments with electromagnetic resonance again? he wondered. Were the batteries even now sitting on her work table in the attic, wired in three directions to more gadgets, plugs, and connections that he could image? Or was something more sinister at work here—was there a reason why the house was so quiet, the night so black, the wind howling so mournfully around the eaves? Jake felt scared and apprehensive. There was a noise on the floor, and something ran over his foot. He almost screamed out loud, even though he knew it was probably just one of the kids’ hamsters loose again, as they kept doing lately.
“You’d better watch out,” he muttered grumpily to nobody in particular. “I am not in the mood for a hamster incident,” he added.
Jake knew Julie hadn’t wanted to have the kids so soon after they were married, not to mention so close together. It had just worked out that way. Sure, he was sorry for everything she’d been through, especially the Caesarian with little Jeannette and the way Joey kept her awake crying all night until he was two years old. It hadn’t been easy. But then, it wasn’t easy being the breadwinner either. All of those hours down at the station, hammering away at reports about gang graffiti on billboards and old ladies who’d lost their cats. He’d put in his hours. He was just glad Julie still had her great body, so she could wrap him in its warmth when he came home late and climbed into bed, exhausted and brain-dead, but still the same husband who loved her through thick and thin.
“Honey?” Julie said from behind him, making him jump and hit his toe on the leg of the kitchen table. She switched on the light and meandered into the room, rubbing her sleepy eyes and tousling her hair. She went to the stove and lit a burner for the tea pot that she filled at the sink and set on the stove top afterward. She pulled out a chair and dropped herself into it with a heavy sigh, leaning forward on her elbows, with her face in her hands. She stared at him, standing by the back door with the flashlight hanging limply from his hand. The hamster skittered out from under the table and up the back stairs to where the children lay sleeping upstairs in their rooms.
*********
Bats in the Belfry
Jake couldn’t turn his flashlight on. He flicked the switch futilely. Was something sinister at work here—was there a reason why the house was so quiet, the night so black, the wind howling so mournfully around the eaves? He heard a noise, and something ran over his foot. He almost screamed, even though he knew it was probably one of the children’s hamsters loose again.
“You’d better watch out. I am not in the mood for a hamster incident.”
“Honey?”
Julie came into the room behind him. He jumped and hit his toe on the leg of the kitchen table. She switched on the light, rubbing her eyes and smoothing her tangled hair. She stared at him, standing by the back door with the flashlight hanging limply from his hand. The hamster skittered out from under the table and up the back stairs to where the children lay sleeping.
*********
It was a stormy night, and Jake couldn’t get his flashlight to work. What was up? Had his wife borrowed the batteries for her experiments with electromagnetic resonance again? he wondered. Were the batteries even now sitting on her work table in the attic, wired in three directions to more gadgets, plugs, and connections that he could image? Or was something more sinister at work here—was there a reason why the house was so quiet, the night so black, the wind howling so mournfully around the eaves? Jake felt scared and apprehensive. There was a noise on the floor, and something ran over his foot. He almost screamed out loud, even though he knew it was probably just one of the kids’ hamsters loose again, as they kept doing lately.
It was a stormy night, etc: Start with the action to initiate tension right away.
get…to work: Use a more active verb in the first sentence.
What, ect: Questions are almost always unnecessary. The reader is already wondering.
Had his wife, etc: This is all good backstory. Save it and use it as exposition right after the scary event that should kick off the story.
Or…more: Unnecessary if you save the above section for backstory.
Jake felt, etc: It is almost always unnecessary to tell the reader what the characters feel. Instead, inspire those feelings in the reader.
There was: Use an active verb to avoid repetition of the term “There was” from the previous sentence.
on the floor: Trim unnecessary exposition for tension. The reader finds out it’s on the floor in the next clause.
out loud: Trim unnecessary exposition for tension. Screaming is almost always out loud.
just: Trim unnecessay exposition for tension.
kids’: I would advice using the full word children instead of kids so you don’t get too casual of a tone in your thriller.
again, as they kept doing lately: Trim unnecessary exposition for tension. If this is important, it can be used in backstory later.
***
“You’d better watch out,” he muttered grumpily to nobody in particular. “I am not in the mood for a hamster incident,” he added.
he muttered, etc: Since he’s the only person in the room, you can leave off the dialog tags. This heightens the tension when Julie immediately responds.
he added: See above.
***
Jake knew Julie hadn’t wanted to have the kids so soon after they were married, not to mention so close together. It had just worked out that way. Sure, he was sorry for everything she’d been through, especially the Caesarian with little Jeannette and the way Joey kept her awake crying all night until he was two years old. It hadn’t been easy. But then, it wasn’t easy being the breadwinner either. All of those hours down at the station, hammering away at reports about gang graffiti on billboards and old ladies who’d lost their cats. He’d put in his hours. He was just glad Julie still had her great body, so she could wrap him in its warmth when he came home late and climbed into bed, exhausted and brain-dead, but still the same husband who loved her through thick and thin.
Jake knew,etc: This is all great backstory and will work well as exposition following whatever scary event kicks off the story.
***
“Honey?”
Let Julie’s answer stand alone. It will snap the reader’s head back and forth a little, adding to the tension.
***
Julie said from behind him, making him jump and hit his toe on the leg of the kitchen table. She switched on the light and meandered into the room, rubbing her sleepy eyes and tousling her hair. She went to the stove and lit a burner for the tea pot that she filled at the sink and set on the stove top afterward. She pulled out a chair and dropped herself into it with a heavy sigh, leaning forward on her elbows, with her face in her hands. She stared at him, standing by the back door with the flashlight hanging limply from his hand. The hamster skittered out from under the table and up the back stairs to where the children lay sleeping upstairs in their rooms.
said from: The dialog tag is unnecessary, since you have an action for Julie that you can use to identify her.
making him: Let this sentence be about his action, rather than a clause about what Julie’s done, to keep the tension focused.
and meandered, etc: Entrances and exits are rarely necessary, and they dilute the tension. Trim them out wherever possible.
sleepy: This adjective is unnecessary. Trim all unnecessary words to keep the action moving.
tousled: This adjective is borderline cliche. I would use simpler, more straightforward language, like “smoothing the tangled hair” instead.
She moved, etc: This is a nice scene, but it slows the action, which needs to be kept at a high pitch in this very first section. I would use it in a later section.
upstairs in their rooms: Trim unnecessary exposition.
***
Andrew,
I am intrigued by your genre. Mystery-paranormal-thriller, with a humorous voice! This is great — specialized, but solidly grounded in time-tested popular styles. I’ll be excited to see where you go with it.
I like that you introduce the mystery of your premise in the very first sentence. That’s excellent. What is Jake up to, downstairs in the dark on a stormy night trying to make his flashlight work? It doesn’t seem to have anything to do with his work at the police station. It doesn’t seem to have anything to do with his wife’s scientific experiments, either. Why does he imagine that there might be some “more sinister” force at work?
You have a lot of good backstory here. It can wait until a little later, but that’s fine. It’s important for you to know, even if you only use a fraction of it. The first scene is your hook — where you reach out and grab the reader and get their attention with characters doing something riveting for an important reason. You’ve grabbed them. Now don’t give them a chance to put the book down. Jake is trying to get a flashlight to work in the dark. The weather is stormy. His wife startles him. Something feels eerie. The scene is set very nicely: what’s just about to happen? Whatever it is, it should be gripping, it should be startling, and it should happen right now.
It’s excellent to write as much as you can in your first draft. One of the keys to tight, tense action is to eliminate all unnecessary words, but you can’t eliminate what you don’t have. Write it first, trim it later. This is crucial. The more you write in your first draft, the more choices you have when you’re trimming and the more powerful the punch in your final draft will be.
Let’s talk about your plot and how to construct a thriller. You’ve established a terrific voice, and there are ways to fling the reader back and forth between humor and thriller that keeps the tension high and emotional. This is exactly what you want. Wonderful work.
One minor note: so far, your characters all have names that start with the same initial. This tends to confuse the reader and lead to mis-identification of characters in significant scenes. I highly recommend that you give each character a name beginning with a different initial. To see an experienced author play with this convention, read Raymond Chandler’s stories in Pick-Up on Noon Street, in which he attempts to write each story with characters whose names almost all begin with the same initial. It was a game, but it did make those stories harder to read.
You’re doing terrific work here! Good job.
Cheers,
Victoria
426 words * .06/word = $25.56
Minimimum charge: $50
Nuts & Bolts Edit
This sample is a “nuts & bolts” full Copy, Line, & Developmental Edit of the first couple of pages of a murder mystery/romance.
Please note that the sample is only 351 words. In real life, nobody ever sends me only 351 words, which is why the total rate by word count is only $5.27.
The first section is the original manuscript.
The second section is the edited manuscript. Please be aware that, with this manuscript, I have advised the author in the developmental editing letter to start with a whole new scene. Most edited manuscripts do not wind up quite this truncated, nor segue to the pivotal action (the murder) this abruptly.
The third section is the in-line copy editing and line editing that turned the original into the edited manuscript.
The final section is the developmental editing letter to the author.
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Blood-Red Love
I didn’t love Marty, but we had too physical of a connection to ignore. I could never resist Marty, with his coal black hair, awesome physique, and piercing sapphire eyes. I had red hair that curled seductively to my shoulders, a pert nose, and green eyes, but I couldn’t summon the tender feelings I always thought were what love’s all about.
What did he really want with me? I felt beautiful and seductively in his presence, but I didn’t know why he kept coming back. Couldn’t he see the scared little girl inside? Couldn’t he tell I’d never been anything but a Daddy’s girl, always longing to cuddle in the lap of my big strong father, who at six foot five had been the tallest, strongest policeman on the force in Buttonwillow, California, and never feared anything, animate or inanimate.
The first time I’d seen Marty, I’d been shopping for lingerie at the mall, and he’d followed me on the other side of the rack, from one side of the store to the other. After awhile, I wandered out through the glass doors and meandered down the mall, hoping he’d follow me. Later I saw him at a café, and he wandered over to my table, and introduced himself.
“You look like a hottie looking for your soul mate,” he grinned before running a finger down my arm.
“I’m not,” I giggled after pushing a chair over to him with my gold-sandal clad toes. “Maybe you can turn me into one,” I answered, pushing my auburn hair up onto my head with both hands so that he could see my beautiful arms.
We went out for six months, just casual dates, before making that all important move to the bedroom. I thought I could hold him at arm’s length and just admire his beauty from a safe distance, but he overwhelmed with the force of his muscular arms, and I couldn’t resist.
Now it was too late, because he’d killed someone, and in my bedroom. I didn’t know what to do, and my father was coming to visit that very day!
******************************
Blood-Red Love
The first time I saw Marty, I was shopping for lingerie at the mall, and he followed me, beyond the rack, from one side of the store to the other. Later I saw him at a café, and he walked right over to my table.
“You look like a sweetheart searching for your soul mate.” He grinned and ran a finger down my arm.
“I’m not.” I pushed a chair over to him with my gold sandal. “Maybe you can turn me into one.” I lifted my auburn hair up onto my head with both hands so that he could see my graceful arms.
We went out for six months, just casual dates. I couldn’t resist.
Now it was too late, because he’d killed someone, and in my bedroom. And my father was scheduled to arrive any minute.
******************************
I didn’t love Marty, but we had too physical of a connection to ignore. I could never resist Marty, with his coal black hair, awesome physique, and piercing sapphire eyes. I had red hair that curled seductively to my shoulders, a pert nose, and green eyes, but I couldn’t summon the tender feelings I always thought were what love’s all about.
Like many first paragraphs, this one is extraneous. A manuscript almost always starts faster and with more punch with a scene.
I could never resist: repeat of a line in the penultimate paragraph of this manuscript.
too physical of a: awkward construct; can be replaced with “…a connection too physical…”
Marty: repeat of his name too soon; can be replaced with “him”
with his coal black hair, etc: cliche; see Creating the look of a character on my blog
but: repeat; can be broken into two sentences.
tender: cliche
’s all: wordy; can be simplified and clarified to “…is…”
***
What did he really want with me? I felt beautiful and seductively in his presence, but I didn’t know why he kept coming back. Couldn’t he see the scared little girl inside? Couldn’t he tell I’d never been anything but a Daddy’s girl, always longing to cuddle in the lap of my big strong father, who at six foot five had been the tallest, strongest policeman on the force in Buttonwillow, California, and never feared anything, animate or inanimate.
What did he really want with me?: avoid questions in narrative if at all possible; can be reframed as a statement: “I didn’t know what he really wanted with me.” or “I couldn’t tell what he really wanted with me.”
seductively: repeat; also this adverb should be an adjective
feared: overly-mannered word, can be replaced with “been afraid of”
beautiful, etc.: cliche
who at six foot, etc: Backstory pf secondary character should be moved out of the introductory scene.
***
The first time I’d seen Marty, I’d been shopping for lingerie at the mall, and he’d followed me on the other side of the rack, from one side of the store to the other. After awhile, I wandered out through the glass doors and meandered down the mall, hoping he’d follow me. Later I saw him at a café, and he wandered over to my table, and introduced himself.
‘d seen, ‘d been, ‘d: unnecessary pluperfect; can be set in the simple past tense: “The first time I saw Marty, I was…”
side: repeat
wandered, meandered: cliche; can be replaced with simple “walked” or “went”. Keep in mind that character movements in and out of scenes are almost always unnecessary.
wandered: repeat
,: comma between subject (“he”) and verb (“introduced”)
***
“You look like a hottie looking for your soul mate,” he grinned before running a finger down my arm.
hottie: This is a judgement call. I personally an instantly annoyed by this character’s vocabulary. Unless you mean him to be annoying, I would replace this word with something more intriguing and creative or give him a new pick-up line.
looking: repeat
,” h: incorrect dialog tag; “He grinned” is an action, not a dialog tag, and must be punctuated as: “…mate.” He…”
before running: Avoid time-related prepositions such as “before” and “after” in narrative; can be replaced with “and ran”
***
“I’m not,” I giggled after pushing a chair over to him with my gold-sandal clad toes. “Maybe you can turn me into one,” I answered, pushing my auburn hair up onto my head with both hands so that he could see my beautiful arms.
,”: incorrect dialog tag; “I giggled” is an action. See above.
giggled: This is another judgment call. The giggle tells me this is a woman who would annoy me. I would remove the giggle and allow her to be slightly more dignified.
after pushing: time-related preposition. See above.
clad: cliche
my gold-sandal clad toes: too much information in one phrase, introducing the awkward need for two hyphens; can be simplified with: “my gold sandal”; the reader knows she wears her sandals on her feet.
,”: punctuate to reflect the following declarative sentence as described below, instead of a dialog tag.
answered: unnecessary second dialog tag.
, pushing: repeat; also the third -ing verb construct in three dialog-action paragraphs; can be replaced by a second declarative statement: “…. I lifted…”
beautiful: vague adjective; can be replaced with a more specific one.
***
We went out for six months, just casual dates, before making that all important move to the bedroom. I thought I could hold him at arm’s length and just admire his beauty from a safe distance, but he overwhelmed with the force of his muscular arms, and I couldn’t resist.
before: time-related preposition. See above.
making that, etc: cliche; telling rather than showing
I thought, etc: cliche
just: repeat
overwhelmed me, etc: cliche
***
Now it was too late, because he’d killed someone, and in my bedroom. I didn’t know what to do, and my father was coming to visit that very day!
I didn’t know, etc: unnecessary exposition
coming to visit that very day: cliche; be more specific about the time
!: unneccesary exclamation
******************************
Rebecca,
You have a compelling premise: someone has been killed in the bedroom of an innocent woman. She knows who committed the murder, but she has such a strong attachment to the perpetrator that she can’t bring herself to turn him in. In addition, her father is an important police officer and very protective of her. What will happen when the perpetrator and her father clash — as they undoubtedly will — and she’s caught in the middle? And who was killed, and why? This is powerful stuff.
However, you have not yet begun to tell this story. You’re writing your notes for the background material. And that’s great — good books typically generate enormous amounts of notes in the process of being written, notes that the author can go back to again and again to remember plot intricacies and character clues, as well as to find important insights that may have come to them randomly, but fit into specific parts of the book.
I’d like to see you describe the scene in which the narrator finds the body in her bedroom. Only that for now: the details of what she saw, heard, and smelled, how she reacted, where she moved, and what she did to ascertain that the body was, indeed, dead or to get away from the body before learning any more about it and why. As little internal dialog as possible — just enough to indicate anything that can’t possibly be indicated physically or verbally. Ideally, in a mystery, almost everything that goes on inside the narrator is expressed through their senses (sight, hearing, touch, taste, smell) rather than through their thoughts. This keeps the tension high. Ideally is not always possible, but it’s something to aim for.
I’d like to become acquainted with this narrator through watching her handle herself (or not handle herself) in this shocking position. This is your first scene, where you introduce both the premise of your story and the protagonist whom the story is about. Make it specific, detailed, and very, very real.
Let’s also have a chat about plotting, particularly plotting a mystery, and your options regarding, first, the plot of the actual crime and, second, the plot of the solving of that crime. You have a lot of room for creativity, and the mystery is one of the most compelling reads ever invented. I can give you some examples from the mystery canon to read for ideas.
Cheers,
Victoria
351 words * .06/word = $21.06
Minimum charge: $50
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