Elizabeth couldn’t decide. The silver silk pumps said 1940’s all over, and the fat bulge over the heel gave her ankle a nice, twisting slenderness. But the stilettos were classic black, and she’d always had a soft spot for the classic. The toes weren’t too agonizing. She sure could see better from the higher advantage point.
More to the point—those sharp heels would serve her purpose better.
—Marina Ferguson
Developmental Edit
Oh, lovely surprise ending! Suddenly the fashionista Elizabeth needs something sharp on her feet. With the popularity of the mystery genre as great as it is, the reader’s mind automatically goes to the possibility of doing somebody harm.
Straight-forward first line? check
Unexpected? check
Raises a question? check Why does conscientious shopper Elizabeth need sharp heels?
Drop-kicks us off the end? check She’s not shopping for fashion!
What does this paragraph tell us about the book we’re starting? It’s about a woman who appears to be pulled between her aesthetic desires and an even more powerful—possibly dangerous—need. Is this someone you feel like following through a whole story?
I’m willing to turn the page in order to find out what she intends to do with those sharp heels.
Genre? I’m guessing mystery. It might be women’s fiction, but I hope not. I’d love to see the tension keep rising.
Do we need to know who the character is, how they got here, where they were before? Nah. We’ve got an image now of a character conflicted against herself: she likes choosing shoes for their looks, but she’s got business to take care of.
Does this paragraph drop us into a specific moment in this character’s story? Yes, it certainly does. We know where she is, what she’s doing, and what she thinks about it. The set-up is there. Now we want to know why!
So let’s talk about the structure of it. It’s clean and clear and to-the-point. There’s some repetition of words and a misunderstanding about the difference between ‘advantage’ and ‘vantage.’ And I’m going to remove the apostrophe from the numeral, as it’s a plural rather than a possessive, although I know using the possessive apostrophe for years is common. Otherwise, it’s pretty lean.
What does it tell us about this entire story? It’s plot-driven. Elizabeth’s plot must overcome her character.
Copy & Line Edit
Elizabeth couldn’t decide. The silver silk pumps said 1940s all over, and the fat bulging heel gave her ankle a twist of slenderness. However, the stilettos were classic black, and she’d always gone for a classic look. The toes weren’t too agonizing. She sure could see better from the higher position.
More to the point—those sharp heels would serve her purpose far better.