When I came home from a trip to Europe in 1994, I stayed with five friends living in a studio apartment in a bad part of San Francisco’s Mission District. We slept like sardines on the living room floor, and in the mornings I sat at the kitchen table with my friend Ariana, looking down into the filthy alley below and talking vaguely under the overcast sky about having no direction in our lives. One morning, we watched a thin man run lickety-split around the corner of a building, glance over his shoulder, and duck into a doorway.
“What do you suppose he’s up to?” I said.
“It’s his dealer.”
“What?”
Ariana picked up her coffee. “He doesn’t have any money.”
Someone appeared at the corner of the building, bent and stumbling, feeling their way along the wall with one hand and calling in a thick, whining voice.
But the man in the doorway had disappeared. . .
Leaving behind a desperate wreck of a human life.
Now, I know as well as you do that you’re not that desperate wreck. Yes, you have your bad days. But that’s not you staggering down the alley, agents scattering into doorways like leaves before a high wind. As Janet Reid has said, we professionals in the industry have “terrified the wrong half of y’all.”
Which is why you’re going to be able to take it when I tell you that agents and publishing editors lie to you routinely. And it is beholden upon you to take it graciously, because if the desperate wrecks were allowed to run riot there’d be no agents or publishing editors out there to work with the rest of us at all.
THE LIES
AND THE TRUTHS BEHIND THEM
- “It’s not about the marketing.”
“The publisher’s not going to shell out.” - “It’s all about the marketing.”
“You are going to shell out.” - “It’s always subjective.”
“We just happen to all have the same opinion.” - “We make mistakes.”
“But not as many as you wish we did.” - “We pass on a lot of good stuff.”
“We also pass on crap.” - “Someone else might love this.”
“Tag! They’re It.” - “It’s a tough market.”
“Although I personally could sell snow to Eskimos.” - “You don’t need an editor.”
“You need a psychiatrist.” - “We wish you well in your endeavors.”
“We wish you OTHER endeavors.” - “We’re looking forward to your submission.”
“You are the reason we drink.”
Yes, publishers allot marketing budgets to the books they really want to push, and if it didn’t work they wouldn’t do it. You know what happens when you multiply an unknown author’s $1k in sales by the Uniform Marketing Coefficient? You get $1k x UMC. And you know what happens when you multiply Stephen King’s sales by the Uniform Marketing Coefficient?
That’s right. Makes sense now, doesn’t it?
Everyone wants to see you succeed—your agent, your publisher, and the people who handle their bank accounts. So, hey, knock yourself out. We’re all here in the background rooting for you. YAY TEAM!
It’s hard not to, when all we base our so-called subjectivity upon years of experience in the same industry and the same sort of exposure to literally hundreds—if not thousands—of manuscripts exactly like yours. We all know how to do this work. That’s why we do it.
Sure, we forget to pick up half-&-half at the store, and we spike the punch bowl at the office Christmas party, and sometimes we even hurt our loved ones’ feelings. But on the job we’re actually surprisingly competent.
Is your stuff crap? You can’t tell, can you? We understand—it’s pretty hard to figure this out without the kind auspices of someone in the know. Well, what would you do to us if we told you the unvarnished truth bluntly without any warning?
Why, yes. Yes, I believe you would.
You know who? That jerk who elbowed in front of everyone at the agents’ buffet at that writers conference. Let me get you their address. Wait—let me get you their home address.
Ha ha! Such kidders we are. But seriously. No.
But Lulu doesn’t mind. They have no standards. AT ALL. Check their website.
And we do sincerely hope, from the bottoms of our warm, fuzzy, little publishy hearts, that you find all the fulfillment, satisfaction, and best use of your natural talents with them that you’re not going to find, um. . .here.
Doesn’t #8 pretty much apply to every writer regardless of whether or not they have an editor? Great one!
I take personal responsibility for the increase in the number of literary agents at the NYC branch of AA.
And my psychiatrist said that technically, I wasn’t actually crazy…
Funny how you both honed in on #8 there, guys. . . 🙂
Getting off on a technicality only counts in a court of law, Kathryn. And even then everyone’s miffed because they know you cheated.
You’ve done a very effective job of being brutally honest, AND funny and the same time. I’d sure like to be a fly on the wall for a day and see the other side of the agent’s desk.
Thanks for posting.
Humor makes it all better!
As for #10, not so bad for them, then. *pops open the Prosecco*
Laugh out loud funny sometimes, but I know what you’re saying is true. 🙂
haha awesome! i agree with wendy- it would amazing to be a fly on the wall of your office for a day. hell, five minutes by the sounds of it! 🙂
Snickering my little tail off…
There is something to be said for salesmanship. I’ve sold two titles to agents who intended to use all 10 of these excuses in 5 minutes or less (even said as much in the meeting) but the personal meeting closed the deal because the N- word was not in my vocabulary.
That drink does sound good though. 😉
Thx for this!
Hmm. #6
Wonder how many referrals you’re going to get after this post… 🙂
This is the funniest, truest thing I’ve ever seen. We are laughing hysterically in the office right now. You’ve said what we’d never say.
I’m with Jevon…I laughed until tears were running down my face!
Very funny! I’ve never come this close to wanting to quit writing until now. What did Scrooge say in A Christmas Carol? Something like “then let them die and decrease the surplus population.” Kind of how I feel after digesting this. Stop all those would-be writers in their tracks before they unleash their nonsense on the publishing world.
Great post!
I believe this post to be truer than true.
Agents often try to assuage us writers, which is nice. Although I’m more of a boot camp mentality. I’d prefer the kind of honesty you’re showing here.
Thanks…
#8 hits way too close to home. Especially since my last story was about a psychologist who was looking for an agent!
Small lies are an unfortunate necessity in business. Everything from “I’m doing fine, thanks” to “The check is in the mail”. What Victoria is pointing out in a hilarious yet highly accurate way is that writing is a business. Every agent knows that, but very few writers do.
And for what it’s worth, I miss blacksmiths. 🙂
“I miss blacksmiths.” :))
All I can say is I am ready to dance in the streets – at BRMCWC I met several agents – and didn’t hear any of these things. YAY! 🙂
I have to say, #8 is the best on the list (agreeing with almost everyone here). Every writer needs an editor. And Lulu does a huge disservice to writers everywhere – your comment was delivered so well! I hope writers everywhere read this, and memorize #8!
(Oh, & every writer needs a psychologist, too, especially novelists with multiple character personality disorder… just sayin’) 🙂
Really helpful and yes funny. We need to be able to laugh at this business, otherwise we will need a psychiatrist.
I was really pleased to get an agent, but she used number 7 on me and hasn’t returned my last email to her for one week. Should I be worried? She is a bonefide agent.
Your blog is really helpful.
Yeah, Tahlia, she might be dropping you a hint. For the record, if she offered you representation, it probably is more about the market than about your book.
All joking aside, lots of very experienced, very qualified, very well-connected writers actually are having trouble selling their books right now. There’s a link to an article by one in the post Selling mechanical or artistic literature in today’s market on my advice column.
Aren’t blacksmiths known as farriers these days?
I just burned my manuscript and will cancel my web site in waiting.
Oh, my god, Nancy. I have ruined your life! I’m sorry.
And they say people in this industry have no sense of humor. One couldn’t be more incorrect!
Excellent article. Honest, yet witty. I’m glad I came across something that put a smile on my face and kept me grounded at the same time. Thank you =)
Hilarious! Lulu sounds like a lulu! Love the blog.