Free CLIMAX Edit #3 is Jeff’s. . .
Setup
Jeff didn’t send a setup, and the reason is obvious. Because we can get everything we need to know from his climax. Yeah—that’s pretty vivid writing!
Climax
The cockpit didn’t go silent, but the noise changed. There had always been a background hum before, and now all I could hear was the wind. The nose pointed down automatically. I eased back on the yoke out of habit, practically without thinking, and watched the airspeed bleed off as I tried to hold altitude. The propeller spun in the wind.
Below me was a country road and a vineyard. To the right was a rocky riverbed, to the left a four-lane highway dotted with cars. By Hobson’s choice, I lined up with the vineyard, which was rapidly becoming my only option.
Suddenly a powerline appears, right in the path. Who would string a powerline over a vineyard? I listen for the stall warning horn but there was none, so I ease back just slightly on the yoke, raising the nose. I see the wires go by twenty feet below. Now to line up with the rows. Damn, should the wheels be up or down? I don’t remember! They are down now, and no time to change them. I don’t see any person or truck below, and it wouldn’t matter now. I am committed. I hold the yoke as if I were going to break it off. Forty feet to lose, now thirty. I am lined up, the wings are level. I have to keep them level. That is the only control I have left.
It never goes through my mind that this could be my last moment on Earth.
Developmental Edit
First off, I’ll tell you all what Jeff already knows: This climax is actually twice as long, but I asked him to cut it down to 250 words for the special. I’m really sorry I had to, because it is GRIPPING and would have scared you guys right out of your pants.
So, given that we lost a lot of the telling details in cutting it down to size, this has some excellent stuff in it that puts us right in that cockpit, in that moment, going down with that plane. We have all the clues we need to know where we are: cockpit, wind, nose, yoke, propeller. What’s particularly interesting is that it’s not all visual details. The first tangible one, in fact, is a sound. Very nice!
Now, jumping from tense to tense can work in a seriously literary piece, but I wouldn’t try it in an action sequence. I chose past tense because it seemed to be working just fine in the first paragraph and put it all in that.
I’ve trimmed out every word I can to keep the momentum up, focused on the moment of impact (which, tantalizingly, doesn’t appear). Do we need that moment of impact? Imagine it without it: “last moment on Earth” and cut straight to whatever happens after impact. It could work!
I’ve altered “propeller spun in the wind” to “propeller spun with the wind” to strengthen the indication that the propeller is not spinning of its own accord. That’s essential to the plot point and absolutely must be clear.
I’ve also removed the reference to Hobson’s Choice. Although it’s a distinctive detail that adds depth, it’s also a potential head-scratcher, and you don’t want to lose the reader at any point in this climax, wondering, “Who’s Hobson?” God forbid they should stop and go look it up.
Overall, very powerful, very clean!
Copy & Line Edit
The cockpit didn’t go silent, but the noise changed. There had always been a background hum before, and now all I could hear was the wind. The nose pointed down automatically. I eased back on the yoke out of habit, practically without thinking, and watched the airspeed bleed off as I tried to hold altitude. The propeller spun with the wind.
Below me was a country road and a vineyard. To the right was a rocky riverbed, to the left a four-lane highway dotted with cars. I lined up with the vineyard, which was rapidly becoming my only option.
Suddenly a powerline appeared right in the path. Who would string a powerline over a vineyard? I listened for the stall warning horn, but there was none, so I eased back just slightly on the yoke, raising the nose. The wires went by twenty feet below. Now to line up with the rows. Damn—should the wheels be up or down? I couldn’t remember! They were down. No time to change them. I didn’t see any person or truck below, and it wouldn’t matter now. I was committed. I held the yoke as if I were going to break it off. Forty feet to lose. Thirty. I was lined up, the wings were level. I had to keep them level. That was the only control I had left.
It never went through my mind this could be my last moment on Earth.