From Amy Carey:
Hook
Steam rose from the surface of Gina’s latte.
“What’s wrong?” I asked. “Your face. You look—”
“I was jogging. I ran here.” Gina dumped a packet of sugar into her cup.
“Not that. You look a little—spent.”
“I am spent. I’m single-parenting while Todd’s out of town.”
“He’s still out of town? It’s going on, what, two weeks?”
Gina took a sip of her coffee. “He’s not coming back.”
I covered my mouth with my hand and waited for her to say something, but she was silent.
“Where is he now?”
She looked up. “In San Jose. That’s where his brother lives—”
“And his mistress?”
She snorted. “If only it were his mistress.”
“You don’t mean—”
“I mean, he has a mister.”
Developmental Edit
This is great—it throws us back and forth between stress, out-of-town husband, lover, and switch in sexual orientation so fast it’s like a tennis match!
Tense? check
Specific? check
Raises a question? check: What’s Gina going to do about being abandoned by her husband?
Drop-kicks us off the end? check: He’s turned gay?
What does this paragraph tell us about the book we’re starting? A female character named Gina is stressed out because she’s been left with one or more children by a husband who’s turned out to be gay. The first-person protagonist is shocked at the news.
Do I want to follow this character through a whole novel? I don’t know much about Gina except her situation, but her situation is GRIPPING. So, yes, I’m going to turn the page!
Genre? Contemporary fiction, unless something else crops up to place it in a more specific genre.
Do we need to know who the character is, how they got here, where they were before? We know Gina’s married with kids and has a friend to confide in. That’s enough!
Does this paragraph drop us right smack in a specific moment in this character’s story? Point-blank. We get the news as the protagonist gets the news, and we’re just as shocked as they are. Not bad for no backstory.
So let’s talk about the structure of it. This is almost entirely dialog. It’s a technique that’s served writers like Amistead Maupin well—crisp, clean, fast-paced, it leapfrogs right over such concerns as whether or not you’re using too much exposition or description. It also seems well-suited to both the light, witty tone and surprise-packed story. I’d trim maybe a word here or there, but other than that we’re fully engaged by the time we’re sprung off that last word like a spring bug. Excellent work!
Copy & Line Edit
Steam rose from the surface of Gina’s latte.
“What’s wrong?” I asked. “Your face—”
“I jogged here.” Gina dumped a packet of sugar into her cup.
“Not that. You look a little—spent.”
“I am spent. I’m single-parenting while Todd’s out of town.”
“It’s going on, what, two weeks?”
“He’s not coming back.” Gina took a sip.
I covered my mouth and waited, but she was silent.
“Where is he?”
“In San Jose. Where his brother lives—” She looked up.
“And his mistress?”
She snorted. “If only.”
“You don’t mean—”
“He has a mister.”