From Andrew Rosenberg:
Red letters flew into John’s vision, projected from his Eyespy. Maps and instructions flooded the Wallscapes. Warnings wailed in his Earbug.
Full evacuation? They can’t be serious. This is the third major drill since June.
John glanced up at the skylight of the observation lounge where he had escaped to catch up on technical documents. The blue and white orb of the Earth sparkled in the mid-day luminescence of the Sun. The sight, while beautiful in calmer moments, suddenly chilled him to the bone. The normally laser-straight and hair-thin cable that anchored his world to the Earth bowed and shimmied. The implication coalesced in his mind like a driver whose car was careening off a bridge.
The cable. They said this could never happen. They said it was unbreakable.
His heart thundered and his breath shuddered in ragged gasps.
“Evacuation,” he cried out, “evacuation! It’s no drill! We gotta get off!”
Developmental Edit
I like the progression from John’s casual, confident tone to sudden panic. That’s a nice little character arc right there!
Tense? check
Detailed? check
Raises a question? check :What’s the warning for?
Drop-kicks us off the end? check :Holy cow—the cable broke!
What does this paragraph tell us about the book we’re starting? John is on some type of space station anchored to the Earth by a single cable. He works with technical documents, likes to be alone to focus, is equipped with a whole smorgasbord of technical gadgetry, and has been here at least since June.
Do I want to follow this character through a whole novel? Sure. He seems intelligent, well aware of his surroundings, and able to interpret a situation in the blink of an eye. Those are excellent qualities in a protagonist.
Genre? Sci-fi. Space sci-fi.
Do we need to know who the character is, how they got here, where they were before? We have plenty of information to know what he’s doing and how he needs to react.
Do we need to know what he’s going to do next? We already know—he’s going to try like heck to evacuate! As would I, in his shoes.
Does this paragraph drop us right smack in a specific moment in this character’s story? You betcha. And it’s an excellent moment, one in which he is facing unexpected mortal danger.
So let’s talk about the structure of it. It’s got good, concrete details and high tension. I’m slightly distracted by the verbs “flew” and “wailed,” and this is one situation in which I’d add a couple of words to keep the reader from stumbling over what to think of John’s vision. I would also expect John’s physical reaction to be slightly more instantaneous than it is, and there’s a metaphor at the climax of the scene that distracts us from the tension of the moment. Can this be made shorter and snappier, avoiding repetition, while streamlining the tension and jolting us exactly the way John’s jolted?
Copy & Line Edit
Red letters ran across John’s line of vision, projected from his Eyespy. Maps and instructions flooded the Wallscapes, and warnings sounded in his Earbug.
Full evacuation? They can’t be serious. This is the third major drill since June.
John glanced from his technical documents to the skylight of the observation lounge. The blue and white orb of the Earth sparkled in the luminescence of the Sun, a sight that suddenly chilled him to the bone. Normally laser-straight and hair-thin, the cable that anchored his world to the Earth bowed and shimmied.
His heart thundered.
They said this could never happen. That cable is unbreakable.
His breath came in ragged gasps.
“Evacuation!” He jumped up. “Evacuation! It’s no drill—we gotta get off!”