Free CLIMAX Edit: Kathryn

Free CLIMAX Edit #6 goes to Kathryn Rushing, whose MG novel is set in the Zagros Mountains thousands of years ago. Kathryn wins a free private email chat about her writing!

Setup

Twelve-year-old Mirren has found her father, Kanen, high in the mountains where he has been sent to capture (for Sargon) a mankilling lion. The villages in Sargon’s empire all believe the lion is a symbol of the gods’ displeasure with Sargon, and every moment the lion lives weakens Sargon’s rule. Mirren has her wardogs Valon and Jax with her. Kanen has only one surviving wardog left.

The lion is going for Mirren, but Valon and Jax intercept it.

Climax

The three met with an impact that cracked the air. Mirren rolled toward her father and tossed him her hunting stick. He wasted no time. He flipped it around so the sharp end was toward the lion and plunged into the fight, the brown wardog at his side.

Jax was already at the lion’s throat. His jaws worked furiously to find a hold through the lion’s thick mane while Valon leapt for the lion’s back. Her teeth sank into its spine and her back claws raked its shoulders as she struggled to pull her weight on top of it.

Moons spent avoiding the nip of cave rats had made the wardogs quick. When the lion swiped at Jax, he danced aside, and the great curved claws passed through his black coat like a comb. Valon tightened her jaws on the back of the lion’s neck, and the lion swung around to throw her off. Her legs slipped off the lion’s back and, for a moment, her underbelly was exposed. The lion jaws opened wide to tear at her, but Jax launched himself upward, taking the massive head with him.

The brown wardog worked vengefully on the other end, tearing at the lion’s rump, trying to bring the lion down. Kanen maneuvered around the dog and stabbed the hunting stick into the soft spot behind the lion’s ribs. The lion roared and contorted its body wildly, shaking off all three dogs.

It was the opening Mirren was waiting for.

Developmental Edit

First things first: that line, “The three met with an impact that cracked the air.” WOW. Can you hear it? Can you feel it? Short, succinct, specific, physical—total economy of words. If I were Kathryn, I’d frame that sentence and hang on the wall.

Can we tell what the premise of the novel is? Twelve-year-old Mirren attacks a lion and proves herself to her father. Anything else? Well, obviously the wardogs are pivotal. Why was Mirren following her father? How much do we get to learn about Sargon and his rule? What’s going to happen after Mirren goes for the lion? Curiosity is very good for the reader’s soul.

This whole piece moves at a powerful, headlong clip, just one concrete action after another, which is trickier than it looks when you’ve got this many characters moving and acting simultaneously. I did change “danced” to “jumped” to keep from distracting the reader with a complex motion right at that riveting instant. And I changed the lion’s “jaws” to “mouth” because Valon’s jaws have already appeared in that sentence. I’ve trimmed some other words and streamlined the sentences to keep flowing, always, flowing straight toward that final sentence (which, I suspect, is not quite the climax, but the last sentence before the climax of the Climax). Is Mirren going to take out the lion? I am so sure she is. Mirren is one hardcore twelve-year-old mountain village girl!

Am I on the edge of my seat waiting to find out? You better believe it.

Copy & Line Edit

The three met with an impact that cracked the air. Mirren rolled toward her father and tossed him her hunting stick. He flipped it so the sharp end faced the lion.

Jax was already at the lion’s throat, his jaws working furiously to find a hold through the lion’s thick mane. Valon’s teeth sank into the lion’s spine, and her back claws raked its shoulders as she struggled to pull her weight on top of it.

Moons spent avoiding the nip of cave rats had made the wardogs quick. When the lion swiped at Jax, he jumped aside, and the great curved claws passed through his black coat like a comb. Valon tightened her jaws, and the lion swung around to throw her off. Her legs slipped off the lion’s back, for a moment her underbelly was exposed, and the lion’s mouth opened wide, but Jax launched himself upward, taking the massive head with him.

Kanen’s brown wardog tore at the lion’s rump, and Kanen maneuvered around the dog to stab the hunting stick into the soft spot behind the lion’s ribs. The lion roared and contorted its body wildly, shaking off all three dogs.

It was the opening Mirren was waiting for.