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  • 21+ Things Your Characters Should Never Say

    1. “Stand right there and break the wind.”

    2. “He was waving his arms and ejaculating at the top of his lungs.”

    3. “I have the same problem when my pants get hot.”

    4. “What a sweet kitten. So delicious!”

    5. “You’re not supposed to spread them that far apart.”

    6. “Tie it off with that thong.”

    7. “All I want is to be laid out in the sun.”

    8. “Never touch another man’s gun, son. It might go off.”

    9. “I didn’t say you could ride it all night.”

    10. “Louise insisted on the leather straps.”

    11. “It always heats up when Frank does it.”

    12. “Show me where the pillow goes.”

    13. “If you put it way up there, how are we going to answer it?”

    14. “Great. Now you’ve worn it out.”

    15. “I wouldn’t lick anything that color.”

    16. “Don’t wave that thing at me.”

    17. “You think you’re so smart, you try to get it off.”

    18. “If it came with instructions, don’t you think I’d have said so?”

    19. “Wouldn’t it be safer to do it with a glove?”

    20. “Are you supposed to smell like that?”

    21. “At least I think he said brick.”

    22. “Wait until the Headmaster is erect and then applaud.”—from Marisa Birns

    21 Comments

21 Responses to “21+ Things Your Characters Should Never Say”

  1. India Drummond said on May 12th, 2010 at 10:23 am

    That’s just flat out hilarious. I think #15 is my favourite.

  2. Kay Bigelow said on May 12th, 2010 at 10:31 am

    I love this collection. Each one elicited a smile if not a laugh. Thanks for sharing. – Kay

  3. Sangu said on May 12th, 2010 at 11:12 am

    I loved this. Absolutely hilarious! At least six of them had me hysterical with laughter, thank you for that!

    I’m also determined to have at least one of my characters say #5 at least once.

  4. Marisa Birns said on May 12th, 2010 at 11:24 am

    So funny! All good, though the image that #2 brought had me spit out my tea.

    I worked at a school once and the staff/students were being told how to behave at a Commencement ceremony. The dean advised us to wait until the headmaster was on his feet before we greeted him.

    This is what the dean said. “Wait until Headmaster __ is erect and then applaud.

  5. Victoria said on May 12th, 2010 at 12:25 pm

    Marisa, that is too damn hiliarious. I’m adding it to the list.

  6. Victoria said on May 12th, 2010 at 12:28 pm

    Listen—I’m so glad you guys are laughing! I started making these up last night when I was really tired and kind of punchy and then changed my mind this morning when I read over them again. But I showed them to my husband, and he said he thought they were funny, so I gambled on your senses of humor.

    You guys TOTALLY are not letting me down!

  7. Lady Glamis said on May 13th, 2010 at 6:28 am

    Hehehe!!!! I’m very happy that my characters have never uttered any of these. If they had, I’d have to hit them over the head with a frying pan. :)

  8. Terry Odell said on May 13th, 2010 at 6:56 am

    Then again, there are probably writers of erotica who’d be perfectly fine with some of these!

  9. Marybeth said on May 13th, 2010 at 7:05 am

    Thanks for the morning giggles!

  10. Glynis Smy said on May 13th, 2010 at 7:32 am

    LOL> you made my day, thank you so much!

  11. Victoria said on May 13th, 2010 at 9:36 am

    Yes, Terry, I’ve already heard on Twitter from someone who pointed out which one their characters might use. But, you know, I don’t work in erotica, so that’s all wasted on me.

  12. Barbara said on May 14th, 2010 at 4:14 am

    Victoria – thats brilliant. Really funny. I love your photo at the top of your page. It’s like a night time version of mine.. complete with kitty, altho I see you have given yours a cushion. I will be back!
    Barbara

  13. Victoria said on May 14th, 2010 at 10:40 am

    Barbara, that kitty sleeps on a couple of folded quilts, leaning ever-so-subltely on the wooden box on the desk until he’s pushed it way over and is sleeping mostly on the desk, which is where he intended to be anyway. Then his brother comes up and lies down on his head.

    This is my writing life.

  14. Victoria said on May 14th, 2010 at 10:42 am

    Okay, you witty people. Thank you for laughing! I have written an appalling list for you today, and I hope I haven’t just chased you all away.

  15. Allisyn said on May 14th, 2010 at 2:11 pm

    Not going to lie, this list makes me want to write a short story just for fun to see how many these I can incorporate.

  16. Victoria said on May 14th, 2010 at 2:15 pm

    Allisyn, do it and I’ll post it.

  17. Deep Fried Brains- India Drummond said on May 18th, 2010 at 12:32 am

    [...] Things Your Characters Should Never Say by Victoria Mixon. This one is good for a laugh. [...]

  18. Merrilee said on May 18th, 2010 at 12:40 am

    Hahaha, rock on! :D

  19. Sam said on May 18th, 2010 at 6:31 am

    Ha ha! Wonderful list. It does feel a bit more like a challenge than a warning though! ;)

  20. Theresa Milstein said on May 19th, 2010 at 4:29 am

    This is very funny. I bet #7 happens more than you think. And I agree with India about #15.

  21. Barbara Martin said on June 10th, 2010 at 8:34 pm

    I’m sorry I was eating nuts while reading this…I nearly choked it was so funny. Thanks for sharing this.

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Preditors & Editors

Clients’ Successes

Scott Warrender
Short story author Scott Warrender is a Mentoring Program client. I have done full Copy, Line, & Developmental Editing on a number of short stories for him, the first of which was his poignant fictional memoir of Africa, ''The Boy With the Newsprint Kite,'' now published in the Foundling Review.

Clients’ Books


Bhaichand Patel is the author of two nonfiction books: Chasing the Good Life (Penguin Books India, October, 2006), and Happy Hours (Penguin Books India, October, 2009). I edited Patel's debut novel, When the Streets Were Cold and Dark.

I've edited a number of nonfiction essays for my friend Lucia Orth. (Many years ago, my contribution to Baby Jesus Pawn Shop was simply a peer critique and participation in a standing ovation.)

The poet Chris Ryan is the author of The Bible of Animal Feet (Farfalla Press, 2007). He has recent stories in Pank, Anemone Sidecar, and A Cappella Zoo. I edited Ryan's novel The Ishmael Blade and worked with him on his debut novel Heliophobia and WIP Pogue.