21+ Things Your Characters Should Never Say

  1. “Stand right there and break the wind.”
  2. “He was waving his arms and ejaculating at the top of his lungs.”
  3. “I have the same problem when my pants get hot.”
  4. “What a sweet kitten. So delicious!”
  5. “You’re not supposed to spread them that far apart.”
  6. “Tie it off with that thong.”
  7. “All I want is to be laid out in the sun.”
  8. “Never touch another man’s gun, son. It might go off.”
  9. “I didn’t say you could ride it all night.”
  10. “Louise insisted on the leather straps.”
  11. “It always heats up when Frank does it.”
  12. “Show me where the pillow goes.”
  13. “If you put it way up there, how are we going to answer it?”
  14. “Great. Now you’ve worn it out.”
  15. “I wouldn’t lick anything that color.”
  16. “Don’t wave that thing at me.”
  17. “You think you’re so smart, you try to get it off.”
  18. “If it came with instructions, don’t you think I’d have said so?”
  19. “Wouldn’t it be safer to do it with a glove?”
  20. “Are you supposed to smell like that?”
  21. “At least I think he said brick.”
  22. “Wait until the Headmaster is erect and then applaud.”—from Marisa Birns

21 thoughts on “21+ Things Your Characters Should Never Say

  1. That’s just flat out hilarious. I think #15 is my favourite.

  2. Kay Bigelow says:

    I love this collection. Each one elicited a smile if not a laugh. Thanks for sharing. – Kay

  3. Sangu says:

    I loved this. Absolutely hilarious! At least six of them had me hysterical with laughter, thank you for that!

    I’m also determined to have at least one of my characters say #5 at least once.

  4. Marisa Birns says:

    So funny! All good, though the image that #2 brought had me spit out my tea.

    I worked at a school once and the staff/students were being told how to behave at a Commencement ceremony. The dean advised us to wait until the headmaster was on his feet before we greeted him.

    This is what the dean said. “Wait until Headmaster __ is erect and then applaud.

  5. Victoria says:

    Marisa, that is too damn hiliarious. I’m adding it to the list.

  6. Victoria says:

    Listen—I’m so glad you guys are laughing! I started making these up last night when I was really tired and kind of punchy and then changed my mind this morning when I read over them again. But I showed them to my husband, and he said he thought they were funny, so I gambled on your senses of humor.

    You guys TOTALLY are not letting me down!

  7. Lady Glamis says:

    Hehehe!!!! I’m very happy that my characters have never uttered any of these. If they had, I’d have to hit them over the head with a frying pan. 🙂

  8. Terry Odell says:

    Then again, there are probably writers of erotica who’d be perfectly fine with some of these!

  9. Marybeth says:

    Thanks for the morning giggles!

  10. Glynis Smy says:

    LOL> you made my day, thank you so much!

  11. Victoria says:

    Yes, Terry, I’ve already heard on Twitter from someone who pointed out which one their characters might use. But, you know, I don’t work in erotica, so that’s all wasted on me.

  12. Barbara says:

    Victoria – thats brilliant. Really funny. I love your photo at the top of your page. It’s like a night time version of mine.. complete with kitty, altho I see you have given yours a cushion. I will be back!

  13. Victoria says:

    Barbara, that kitty sleeps on a couple of folded quilts, leaning ever-so-subltely on the wooden box on the desk until he’s pushed it way over and is sleeping mostly on the desk, which is where he intended to be anyway. Then his brother comes up and lies down on his head.

    This is my writing life.

  14. Victoria says:

    Okay, you witty people. Thank you for laughing! I have written an appalling list for you today, and I hope I haven’t just chased you all away.

  15. Allisyn says:

    Not going to lie, this list makes me want to write a short story just for fun to see how many these I can incorporate.

  16. Victoria says:

    Allisyn, do it and I’ll post it.

  17. Merrilee says:

    Hahaha, rock on! 😀

  18. Sam says:

    Ha ha! Wonderful list. It does feel a bit more like a challenge than a warning though! 😉

  19. This is very funny. I bet #7 happens more than you think. And I agree with India about #15.

  20. I’m sorry I was eating nuts while reading this…I nearly choked it was so funny. Thanks for sharing this.

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