AND! Free CLIMAX Edit #5 goes to Julie Cross, who also wins a Developmental Edit for her entire chapter!
Setup
15 year old girl MC being haunted by her forty-year-old Algebra teacher whom she hated and watched die during detention, but has now grown to like. The two discover his death was a murder, and Jaycie and her boyfriend Matt head to his apartment to look for clues about what might have caused his death when the murderer shows up to thwart their operation.
Climax
“Matt! Stay awake, please.” Panic rose again when he didn’t respond. I forgot where I was and what was happening. My eyes darted over to Schuster and a horrible idea formed in my head and I couldn’t get rid of it.
“This isn’t why you’re here is it? Please tell me it’s not why you’re here. To take Matt somewhere or. . .” I couldn’t finish. I’d seen too many movies like this, they were clouding my judgment.
Schuster’s eyes widened, “I don’t know Jaycie. How would I know if that were the reason?”
He was asking me? Now I was totally freaked. I let go of Matt’s side and put my hands on his face, “Matt wake up! Please don’t die. This is all my fault.” I laid my head on his chest letting everything go.
Then I don’t know how much later someone was prying my hands from Matt and pulling me to my feet. I turned slowly to look into the eyes of a man with a yellow jacket then everything went black.
I woke up to the sound of sirens ringing in my ears. My head jerked and I sat up quickly staring at what looked like the inside of an ambulance. The movement stopped abruptly and I still couldn’t focus. Colors and lights swirled around me. I felt the sting of the cool night air. I inhaled the scent of the hospital through my nostrils and people asked me questions.
“What’s your name?”
“How about your friends, what are their names?”
I think I answered but I’m not sure. I was consumed with the horrible truth of what happened and I wanted to float away before it sunk in. I looked down at my hands, they were covered in his blood.
Developmental Edit
Whoa—is he dead, or isn’t he? This is tension!
Can we tell the premise of this story from the climax? Matt either dies or almost dies, and Schuster is the key. That’s pretty good.
I’m hoping from the way the protagonist talks to him that Schuster is a spirit or angel or some other character who might conceivably turn up when someone dies to take them somewhere. The ghost of the Algebra teacher? Oh, yeah! If this isn’t paranormal, it sure ought to be!
Okay, I’ve done a little editing for punctuation, particularly around the dialog, and trimmed a few words to sharpen the focus. I’ve also removed some of the exposition. Do you see how the reader is drawn in further when they’re not told exactly what the character’s thinking? I also removed a couple of pointers you don’t need, specifically that the protagonist smells with their nostrils and that people began asking questions. (I used “smell” rather than “scent” for the hospital, as “scent” tends to be more commonly understood in terms of “perfume.”) You can jump right over that stuff. If the reader can’t pick it up from the context, boy, they’re just not paying attention.
Copy & Line Edit
“Matt! Stay awake, please.”
He didn’t respond.
I forgot where I was and what was happening. My eyes darted to Schuster, and a horrible idea formed in my head.
“This isn’t why you’re here, is it? Please tell me it’s not why you’re here. To take Matt somewhere or. . .” I couldn’t finish. I’d seen too many movies like this.
Schuster’s eyes widened. “I don’t know, Jaycie. How would I know if that were the reason?”
He was asking me? I let go of Matt’s side and put my hands on his face. “Matt, wake up! Please don’t die. This is all my fault.” I laid my head on his chest.
I don’t know how much later someone was prying my hands away and pulling me to my feet. I turned slowly to look into the eyes of a man with a yellow jacket. Then everything went black.
I woke up to the sound of sirens ringing in my ears. My head jerked, and I sat up quickly, staring around at the inside of an ambulance. The movement stopped abruptly, but I still couldn’t focus. Colors and lights swirled around me. I felt the sting of the cool night air. I inhaled the hospital smell.
“What’s your name?”
“How about your friends—what are their names?”
I think I answered, but I’m not sure. I looked down at my hands.
They were covered with his blood.
Ooh, I want to know what happens next! Congrats, Julie!
Jordan – thank you for the kind words and Victoria thanks for having such a great and yet useful contests. Your edits are fantastic!
Thank you, Julie! You’re very welcome.
Jordan, don’t you love the ambiguity? I’m guessing we know what’s happened if we’ve read the whole novel, but just reading the climax left me wondering, “What happened to Matt? Did she do it?”
That’s why I broke that last line off into a paragraph of its own. So even if you know what happened you still get that frisson of Lady Macbeth—blood on her hands!
I love that you separated the last line. It gives it that extra something I couldn’t quite come up with. I
was thinking the whole idea that he’s out of her sight, separated from the blood on her hands would hit her hard as far as coming to grips with death and the fact that it can happen anytime.
A hard thing for teenagers to accept.
I always like to try to guess what you are going to change during an edit. I read Julie’s original and thought, “Everything here is necessary.”
It really does amaze me how the edit still conveys the same sense of panic and confusion, but with fewer words. I know this is an important element in writing – to say it in as few words as possible – but I still tend to underestimate my reader and repeat what they are already getting from the dialog. The vivid words you retained, like darted, jerked and widened say a lot in this passage.
Kathryn