The wolf would have been mistaken for a large dog in the low light. Alexis wasn’t fooled. She knew who and what he was. His hackles slowly raised and he bared his teeth.
“I’m not going back, Quinn.” Alexis hugged the bag closer, shielding herself from the intense, glowing eyes as best she could. “I know the rules. You can’t force me. I have to choose it and I don’t.”
A sharp huff escaped his snout. She didn’t dare move. After five years of running from the Keltoi, and from Quinn in particular, she had finally allowed herself to believe she was safe. She’d settled down, taken a full-time job and rented an apartment. Hell, she had even adopted a cat from the local animal shelter. She should have known better. Quinn would hunt her until either she was dead or he was.
It was in his blood, or rather she was.
—Stephanie St. Clair
Developmental Edit
I like a story that throws me straight into a scene. And chances are good I’m going to stick around for the second page if the characters are scaring the bejeezus out of each other without resorting to tacky violence!
Tense? check
Solidly detailed? check
Raises a question? check How’s she going to get away from the wolf?
Drop-kicks us off the end? check Yes! Yanks the reader’s head right around—what do you mean, she’s in his BLOOD?
What does this tell us about the book we’re starting? A female named Alexis with an important bag squares off against her arch-nemesis, a wolf named Quinn with whom she has long, scary history.
Do I want to follow this character through a whole novel? I’m willing to see where she goes next. She’s got guts, she’s got a cool head (she knows the rules), she’s got a heck of a vital conflict going on here.
Genre? Fantasy. Maybe adventure or thriller.
Do we need to know who the character is, how they got here, where they were before? I think we could drop some of this backstory. The tension in this scene is great. I’d focus on it.
Do we need to know what’s going to happen next? I’M sure sticking around to find out!
Does this drop us into a moment in the character’s story? You bet. Alexis is just about to fight for her life. That’s a heck of a good moment.
Let’s talk about structure. The tension is high. Just based on what we know about her already, we’re willing to throw our weight behind Alexis. The backstory can wait until later. Let’s turn up the heat.
Can this hook be made any shorter and snappier, without inessential backstory, while keeping the conflict focused?
Copy & Line Edit
“I’m not going back, Quinn.” Alexis hugged the bag closer, shielding herself from the glowing eyes. “I know the rules. You can’t force me.”
The wolf’s hackles raised, and he bared his teeth.
She should have known better. Quinn would hunt her until either she was dead or he was.
She was in his blood.